Wednesday, June 7, 2017

All The Summer Camps My Kids Will Be Attending

Yesterday a glossy catalog arrived in my mailbox, full of choices for summer camp. (Okay, it actually came a month ago but this is the first chance I've had to look at the mail.)

There's basketball camp, ballet camp, and Harry Potter camp. There's cooking camp and anime camp and zombie apocalypse camp and learn-how-to-camp camp.

So. Many. Camps.

And I'm glad the options are there for parents who need it, but sorry, my kids' schedule is already jam-packed.

Forget fancy summer camps: I'm sending my kids to weeding camp. In my backyard.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Here's a list of the camps my kids are going to be attending this summer, whether we like it or not:

Get Your Own Breakfast Camp

The mom who got up and made you some healthy oatmeal or scrambled eggs every morning during the school year is officially off-duty. Please see the boxed cereal in the cupboard and you know where the toaster is. You can also help yourself to the bowl of fruit on the counter. (Just kidding, that was a joke. We both know you won't do that.)

Weed Pulling Camp

Oh my goodness, the spring rain made our yard go crazy with weeds. Don't even start me on the walkways and the flowerbeds around the house. As luck would have it though, I have three extra kids (with a total of 6 hands) available for 7 extra hours a day to help me pull them all out. What perfect timing.

Get High on S'mores and Act Like a Maniac Camp

In the morning, I'm going to regret letting the kids stay up until 10 P.M. running wild with burning sticks and sneaking squares of Hershey's chocolate behind my back while we roast marshmallows around the campfire. But you bet your sticky little fingers (and face and clothes) that we're going to do it, anyway.

Bickering Immersion Camp

My kids get along well, but you're going to fight with anyone who's in the same room as you every waking hour for three months. A lot. There will be lots of eye-rolling and whining and crying. And that's just from me, pleading for it to stop.

Wearing Pajamas All Day Camp

One of the best things about summer, in my opinion, is that actual clothing is optional. My kids spend half of the summer wearing either PJs or a swimsuit. There are some days when they don't even put on regular clothes.

Put Your Dirty Dishes IN the Dishwasher Camp

During the school year my kids have three meals and two snacks a day; during the summer the kitchen turns into a 24-hour Chuck-a-Rama. If I don't know where the kids are, I can find them by following the trail of discarded plates and bowls littered all over the house. There are also 347 cups in the sink, each of them used for a single sip of water.

No, You May Not Play the iPad Camp

Summer is a magical three months when you can fill your days riding bikes, catching fireflies, and all that other 1970s fun you hear so much about. It is not, dear children, simply an opportunity to spend more quality time with Minecraft.

Stay Outside Because I Just Cleaned Camp

Our house is livable during the school year but a full-on disaster area during summer vacation. The kids help clean up plenty, but in all honesty it's just easier to kick them outside with a bottle of sunscreen and some popsicles once in a while so I can enjoy the floor not being sticky for 5 minutes.

Give Mom a Migraine Camp

If I didn't hear it myself, I would never believe the ear-splitting noises my kids are capable of producing all day long. It hums in my ears and it echoes in my brain. You know in war movies where there's an explosion near the main character and everything goes silent except for a dull ringing? Those scenes bring tears of longing to my eyes.

Mosquito Smorgasbord Camp

A few weeks in to summer, my kids are so covered in bug bites they look like they have a rare skin disease. Even if we remember to spray them down before they go play outside, there are always one or two mosquitoes that sneak in the house and attack them in their sleep.

Shut the Door Camp

Unfortunately, the kids don't care about keeping the bugs out or keeping the air conditioning in. That means while they're running in and out the door whooping like a pack of insane hyenas, I'm following them around barking "Close the door!" for a good chunk of my daylight hours.

So even though taekwondo camp and left-handed calligraphy camp sound like tons of fun, we're going to have to pass. As you can see, we're already booked solid for the summer.

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1 comment:

Unknown said...

We have similar offerings at our "camp" this summer. As we have some older "campers," we are offering a Yes, You will Split Wood in July Camp.