Wednesday, May 3, 2017

12 Mother's Day Gifts That Should Absolutely Exist

A standard Mother's Day gift might be something like flowers (meh) or chocolates (I'm listening) or maybe a nice brunch at a real restaurant that doesn't have molded plastic booths and a play place.

Which are all fine, but if I could choose a gift to make my job a little bit easier, it would definitely be one of these. If only they were real.

I am laughing so hard at this funny list of inventions that would tame the chaos of life with kids! From kids’ shoes that come with GPS to a toothpaste splatter guard for the kids’ bathroom, give me any of these for Mother’s Day. #mothersday #hilarious

1. Machine that both washes and dries the clothes. Seriously, it's 2017 and no one has invented this yet? If I have to re-wash one more load that smells like mildew because I forgot to put it in the dryer, I'm going to scream.

2. Toothpaste splatter guard for the kids' bathroom. There's got to be some way to contain the wildly flung gobs of toothpaste to just the sink. Or at the very least, keep them off of the curtains and the ceiling.

3. Van with roller coaster seat belts. When I push a button on the dashboard, I'd really like padded harnesses to come down over the heads of everyone in my vehicle and lock firmly into place, whether they're ready to go or not.

4. Full bladder detection wand. Like the handheld scanners the TSA has, only for pee. I've found that asking "Does anybody need to go to the bathroom before we leave?" has a shockingly low success rate. The honor system doesn't work in my house. I need a wand.

5. Shoes with GPS. Can you imagine? If I could track my kids' footwear with GPS, we would never be late for anything again.

6. Candy bar that plays white noise while being unwrapped. Because if the kids can't hear it, they can't bang on the door asking if they can have some.

7. Someone to screen my kids' requests after lights-out. Just like talk radio hosts have a producer who screens calls before sending them through, I could really use someone to stand outside the kids' bedrooms to send them back if they're coming out to ask why T-rexes don't have longer arms.

8. Sound-proof partition behind the driver's seat. Why is this feature standard on limos, taxi cabs, and police cars but not on minivans where it is needed SO MUCH MORE?

9. Carrier pigeon that knows the way to my kids' school. Okay, so it would have to be able to carry forgotten lunchboxes, band instruments, and the occasional trifold poster so maybe more like a carrier Andean condor.

10. Automatic toddler selfie deletion app. Frankly, I don't know what I'd do with all the free time if I didn't have to sit down every night and delete 247 pictures of my 3-year-old's ankle.

11. Toilet paper that only unrolls when replaced on the holder. Maybe this would finally motivate my kids to change the roll instead of just setting the new one on top.

12. Carpet with a moisture alarm. Because there's nothing grosser than finding 5-day-old wet bath towels decomposing on your kid's closet floor. Except for maybe learning about a pee accident that happened in there around the same time.

Now someone needs to get inventing these STAT. There aren't many more shopping days until Mother's Day.

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Diana Dye said...

Number 8!!! When we were car shopping last fall I decided I would buy any model vehicle that had a limo window. Why is this not a thing???

And I would pay good money for the bladder wand, in case you were going to invent it.

Lyndsay said...

#1 is already a real thing. ;)

PurpleSlob said...

Yes, yes, yes!! To all 12!! I smell million dollar ideas in that there list!!

PurpleSlob said...

Please post pix, and url!! Thank you!!

Catherine said...

No. 1 exists - we had one - but they're really inefficient and break all the time! How about a house elf instead?

AnneMarie said...

These are brilliant. That soundproof partition would be amazing-then if you guys were driving around, it'd practically be like a date for you and your husband since you wouldn't hear the kids!

Unknown said...

I'll pass these on to my science-loving son. He says he wants to be an inventor, and I have already requested he invent a kitchen-washer. It's like a car wash, but it washes and dries the entire kitchen!

Jenny Evans said...

Yes. I will definitely buy stock in spill-repellent floor tiles when they are invented.

Jenny Evans said...

What?? Everything I thought I knew was a lie.