7 Quick Takes about Antique Selfies, How to Impress People at a Barbecue, and A Few Serious Thoughts for a Change

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

A 19th-century living history museum near us was having a promotional free day this week, and of course I jumped all over that since normally it's $100 to bring my whole family to anything with a whiff of culture to it.

The museum was great, and they had special booths set up for the promo including the "Historic Selfie Station" which I thoroughly got a kick out of.

With her nose stuck in a book. As usual.

So did my kids.

—2—

As I herded all of my children plus some of my friends' children down the stairs at the museum, a man gaped after us and asked, "Are they all yours?"

"No, just six of them," I said, not realizing until after I walked away that he probably thought I was joking.

A few days later at the pool, I had another similar moment. I was holding the baby and watching my toddler and preschooler splashing around in the shallow end when a lady approached me and said, "I'm trying to convince my husband about a third baby. I said, 'See? Three kids can work out just fine!'"

I laughed and said, "Well, we actually have 6. The older three are taking swimming lessons on the other side of the pool."

Judging by the look on her face as she backed away slowly, I'm guessing I didn't help her make the case to her husband that people with more than two children aren't completely insane.

Sorry, lady. It is what it is.

—3—

We got invited to a BBQ at Phillip's new boss's house, and since he's only had this job for a month we really wanted to make a good impression.

And an impression, we did make.

It all started to go south when the kids got their food and the preschooler spilled her drink. I jumped up to help her and while I was mopping up juice with paper towels, I realized that my lap was wet. Wet in the shape of a tiny butt.

Yes, the 2-year-old's diaper had leaked on me as he was sitting in my lap eating his food, which meant that I was totally killing this making a good impression thing. I mean, who can forget the lady who spends the entire night chatting up a room full of professionals with PEE ON HER PANTS?

But it gets better. We didn't have an extra set of clothes for the 2-year-old, so Phillip's boss's wife went upstairs rooting around for something he could wear. Since they only have two daughters ages 9 and 13, he ended up in a yellow and pink Winnie the Pooh T-shirt that fit him like a dress.

Not more than a few minutes later, he pooped in the very last diaper he had. Hoping against hope that maybe there was a random spare diaper in the car that I'd forgotten about, I sent Phillip out to check (my exact words were "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.")

I was almost sure we were going to have to give up and go home right then and there, but I guess the moral of this story is never to clean your car too regularly, because there was one stray size 4 diaper in there and the day was saved.

After that, we actually had a nice rest of our evening. And we definitely made an impression.

—4—

The toddler had a busy week in addition to the BBQ, if you also factor in his Sunday morning visit to the emergency room. After I'd told him and his sister three times to stop jumping on the couch, he bounced off into the coffee table and cut his head.

Told. You. So.

It wasn't terrible as far as head wounds go, but it looked bad enough that I took him to the E.R. to see if he needed stitches.

Before leaving, Phillip tied a gauze pad to his head with a tea towel, and with the long ends of the towel hanging down I got multiple comments from the E.R. staff about how he looked like Rambo.

They ended up gluing the wound shut, which was way less traumatic for him than stitches with a needle. Of course now there's a bloody gluey mess in his hair that won't come out for a week or so, but that's what we call a conversation piece, right?

—5—

Unfortunately this was a sweltering week and we couldn't go to the beach, (doctor's orders after the head wound incident) so we had to invent our own boring fun at home.

If you were here, you could have:

Played in a giant box!

Thanks Jet.com, for a fun afternoon and a few inexpensive cases of diapers.

Taken turns poking holes in a Kleenex with pencils!

Used in a game, sort of a DIY Don't Break the Ice.

Pretended to enjoy forced crafting time with your mother!

Inspired by my friend Stella who blogs at Purfylle, I declared Thursday "UFO Day." UFO stands for 'Unfinished Object.' We are none of us crafters and we all hated every minute of it.

You could have also faced your mortality along with me when we were cleaning pennies with vinegar and I couldn't read the year on one, leading to a child-led discussion about how I'm practically blind and deaf with one foot in the grave already.

—6—

Usually we plan a fake educational trip around the world during the summer and everything else fits in around that, but for the first time in 5 years we're taking a break.

I just didn't think I had it in me to add one more thing this summer, and we felt like we needed to concentrate on the basics instead: nightly family scriptures and prayer, weekly Family Home Evening (like a Monday night devotional,) and setting aside 15 minutes every morning for everyone to have personal scripture reading and prayer.

I have this hanging above my kitchen sink.

We're also teaching life skills. The older kids are all learning to type by doing a lesson a day on typingweb.com. It's ridiculous how they've all gotten into writing stories on Google Drive but since they're hunting and pecking with one finger they'll be on there for an hour and have three sentences finished by the end.

You bet they complain about it, but they'll thank me. One day.

—7—

On a more serious note, I was published this week at the Huffington Post. Take a minute to click over and read Joining the Miscarriage Club.

If you know someone who recently lost a pregnancy, please share this and let her know she's not alone. It would mean a lot to me!

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Entering the Road Race Spectator World as an Outsider

Phillip's family grew up as a track-watching, cross country meet attending, road race spectating family. They know the drill. But I didn't ever attend my first race until after we were married.

There's a learning curve.

First of all, you have to know how to convert kilometers to miles, otherwise your spouse comes home and tells you they signed up for a 5k or a 10k and you won't know whether to be impressed until you Google it when no one is looking.

You'll act thrilled but secretly wonder why they pay to run, as if running was actually an enjoyable way to spend your leisure time and not the self-punishing activity that it is. But you will nod and smile because it makes you happy to see your spouse happy.

And then it's race time.

This will be totally new to you. It's a world you didn't know existed.

For starters, the men need to put Band-Aids on their nipples during long races so their T-shirt doesn't rub them off, which should tell you just about all you need to know about how weird this is going to be.

You'll arrive early so your spouse can register. The race people like to set up shop in a school, which is good because you brought your kids and they couldn't care less what's going on and just want a playground, dang it.

In the cafeteria, volunteers sit at long tables handing out paper numbers to the runners. If you're lucky, you'll be entertained by some hippy-dippy sayings painted on the walls, meant to motivate the rising generation to "think interdependently."

The volunteers staffing the event are really nice, and they even throw in free safety pins to put on the paper numbers you essentially paid $35 to receive. (Note to self: look into bronzing the numbers because they were pretty expensive as far as pieces of paper go.)

Your spouse will disappear to do whatever kind of warm-up it is that he does, and you'll corral the kids at the playground and secretly gawk at all the other runners around you doing strange things to get ready for the race: skipping, hopping, running on tippy-toes, doing crane yoga poses, and bouncing around like Rocky before a fight.

There will be a few people running in very bizarre outfits, who you'll casually take pictures of in the starting line while pretending you're just photographing your spouse. Even if it isn't a themed run, you'll likely see someone in drag. Just a heads up.

Since it's your first race, you'll have no clue what's going on. You don't know where to stand or at what points you can see best. There are no signs and no maps, you just have to follow the crowd and remember it for next year.

You'll have to learn to estimate how fast your loved one runs so you can figure out approximately when you need to be at the finish line or the other view points along the trail, and if you have kids with you you'll probably miss it anyway because you're trying to contain a meltdown over a troublesome flip-flop when your runner goes by.

People will bring cowbells to the finish line, and even though you had no idea noisemakers were a thing here, you'll still be covered because you brought your kids.

Lining up the kids for high-fives as Phillip crosses the finish line.

When your spouse finishes, you'll be insanely proud of them. But you do not, under any circumstances, want to give them a hug of congratulations or let the children touch them: they are dripping with sweat.

Next time, you'll remember to bring a towel for them to sit on in the car on the way home.

Like I said, there's a lot to learn.

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Simplest Birthday Party Ideas Ever: No Planning, No Cleaning, No Stress

Every year around this time, I breathe a HUGE sigh of relief because it means birthday season is at an end for another year in this house.

This wasn't planned, but we have 5 birthdays (including mine) within two months of each other, and it's almost equal to the Christmas season in terms of stress and planning when everybody needs a party.

Easy and Inexpensive Birthday Party Planning Tips

I know sometimes people combine parties for multiple children or offer an alternative big-deal gift of cash or a vacation in lieu of a party, but that doesn't feel quite right for our family right now.

I like to give everyone a party, but one that requires the least possible in terms of planning, materials, expense, and stress.

Here's what I've learned about cheap and easy birthday party planning in the last 12 years:

1. Have the party somewhere other than your home. Even outside in the backyard is good. If the party's at home, I spend the entire day cleaning and then, after they destroy the house during the party, I have to clean it all again. What a waste, because I hate cleaning.

2. Cupcakes are better than cake. For one thing, they're easier (no cutting, no plates and forks needed.) I also make our cupcakes do double-duty as a party activity. I put out a variety of sprinkles and colors of frosting and let the kids all decorate their own. They love it, and I don't have to frost anything beforehand.

3. Stop buying party favors. Seriously. Most of the time we have them make something at the party and then take that home as their favor (i.e: a handmade wand from a Harry Potter themed party or a decorated pillowcase from a sleepover-themed party.) But even if not, don't sweat it. We've had a few parties where the guests brought home two big fat handfuls of nothing and even lived to tell about it.

4. Set up an Evites account. I resisted doing Evites for years, until I realized that no one cares about the invitations and people are about a thousand percent more likely to RSVP if they can just click "yes" or "no." I know now that cute invitations are basically for my own enjoyment, so I only make real ones when I want to and it's not an extra stressor.

5. Decorations are optional. We put some balloons on the mailbox so people know where the party's at, but beyond that it's totally dependent on what I feel I have time to do. If you want it to appear to the other parents like you worked your butt off then stick some more decorations in the front yard or on your front door. But the kids won't even notice anything you do inside so again, like the invites/Evites, any work you do here is strictly about self-satisfaction.

6. But you do need some random balloons. You expect it from toddlers, but even the older pre-teens will draw faces on the balloons and give them names and start batting them all over and laughing hysterically. I haven't ever met a kid who's too old to play with random balloons on the floor. Actually, that could probably just be an entire party on its own (note to self.)

Unique No-Stress Birthday Party Ideas

It's really funny that the most inexpensive parties that took us the least time to put together were always the funnest ones.

I asked my kids which ones were their favorites and here were some of their answers:

Launching rockets. We bought some {affiliate link} Estes rocket kits on Amazon, met at the school soccer field to assemble and launch them, and then had cupcakes and played at the park across the street until the end of the party.

Have a bonfire. We have a fire pit in our yard, so we just set up a card table and some camping chairs (and a fallen log) near it and started a fire. We sent the kids to hunt for sticks to roast hot dogs, served chips and watermelon, and instead of cake for dessert we roasted marshmallows and made S'mores.

Faux sleepover. We aren't fans of sleepovers in our family, but we did do a sleepover-themed party. The guests wore their PJs, decorated a pillowcase with fabric markers, had pizza, and ate popcorn and watched a movie before going home. This is one of the years when I went nuts and made cute little invitations (but that part is totally not necessary.)

I sewed these tiny little pillowcases. Somebody shoot me from all the cuteness.

Click to enlarge; the little poem on the invites explains the party pretty well.

Baby doll party. My daughter loved baby dolls when she was 3 so we had everyone bring their favorite doll. Using the baby doll gear we owned and a few borrowed pieces from friends, we set up stations to make play food and feed the babies, bathe the babies, put the babies to sleep, and dress the babies. The kids free played the whole time, but if they got restless or distracted I jumped in and had them bring their babies over to listen to me read a picture book.

BBQ party. Hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, and watermelon. Doesn't take much. We also had a bunch of balloons on hand and played a few games with those, but they mostly made up their own games in the yard. They were having so much fun it was the only party where we skipped opening presents to let them just play some more.

Mall scavenger hunt. We divided the guests into three groups (each group was with an adult) and they had to find how many buttons in the elevator, which stores are on either side of Sears, what's the cheapest thing on the Burger King menu in the food court, etc. I adapted the list from here. We added up who answered the most questions, gave out prizes, and then all got an ice cream treat from Dairy Queen in the food court.

Letterboxing at a local trail. Letterboxing is like geocaching without the GPS. Sort of like a treasure hunt. You can find trails near you at this site. There's a Harry Potter themed one near us with multiple stamps hidden; I made little Harry Potter books for each guest to stamp as we found them. We had cupcakes back at the car after completing the trail. Even the girls who didn't like hiking had fun at this one.

These are some of our favorite and least labor-intensive birthday parties to date. What's the best birthday party your kids have ever had or been to?

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7 Quick Takes about Breaking Up with Tom Cruise, How We Might All Die from Bird Flu, and Why Environmentally-Friendly Disposable Diapers Never Caught On

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

Well, it's official: I have watched my last action movie ever. And it's not you, Edge of Tomorrow, it's me. I've just reached an age where I can comfortably say that I've given you and your genre a fair shot, and I legitimately don't like you.

The plot was actually pretty good. If Edge of Tomorrow was a book, I'd be all over that. It's just that I hate noisy battle scenes, which always drag on for infinity.

After 3 explosions my eyes glaze over, and after more than 15 consecutive seconds of gunfire I go into a catatonic stupor. Somehow it's both sensory overload, and incredibly boring at the same time.

—2—

My oldest daughter went to church camp for the 12-17 year old girls in our area, and had a great week. Her two favorite activities were making things in the craft barn and the archery range. Oh yeah, and all that spiritual stuff.

She also brought home this hawk feather she found, which I have to admit looks pretty cool, but I unfortunately inherited a visceral revulsion to bird feathers from my mother.

Makes a fantastic quill pen AND can give you bird mites!

My kids can get dirty, catch frogs (that sometimes pee on them), have ticks hitch a ride on their scalps and I won't bat an eye. But for some reason I can't stand the thought of carrying around a bird feather. In my mind, those things are just crawling with disease.

Like, I am 99% sure they will catch the plague if they touch their face with it. And they always seem to touch their face with it.

Anyway, I'm trying not to overthink the bird feather and just be cool about it.

I remember finding a peacock feather as a child on the ground at a petting zoo and bringing it home, where I kept it in my room for several years. And I'm not dead yet.

Although my mom was probably in the other room having heart palpitations until the day I finally threw it out.

—3—

The day after my daughter came home, I had to pester her a few times to get her to unpack her duffle bag, hoping the whole while that she wouldn't notice the mostly-unpacked suitcase in my room from our Utah vacation two weeks ago.

In the last few years I've learned that's what parenting is all about: training your kids lovingly to do the right thing, while quietly ignoring your own good advice at least half the time.

—4—

The pack of disposable diapers I'm currently using up on my son may be good (or at least less bad) for the environment, but they sure do look gross.

They're unbleached diapers, meaning that they basically look like sheets of mottled off-white recycled paper versus crisp new sheets of white typing paper you'd buy at Staples.

Or, as Phillip said when he pulled the first diaper out of the package, "You bought the pre-pooped kind!"

Yes, it looks like the diapers are full of poop before you've even put them on the baby. (I debated including a picture in this post, but I thought that was kind of weird and decided against it.)

The thing is, I bought them because I found them in the clearance aisle at CVS for dirt-cheap, so maybe they really are pre-pooped. I guess that would explain the steep discount.

—5—

I've seen a lot of variations of the vinyl stick family you see on the backs of minivans, including zombies and Mickey Mouse, but this is probably the best one I've seen:

I'm still laughing over the little hooded Jawa that is their child. Every time my toddler walks around wearing a towel after his bath, that's what I'm going to see now.

—6—

Saw this sign sitting outside of our local lawn, garden, and pet supply store and wasn't sure it came across the way they wanted it to:

I'm assuming they're advertising to sweet old ladies with a chicken coop in the backyard, so hopefully their sign didn't attract any unsavory customers.

—7—

Finally, Phillip tore out our porch railing. This is something we've been talking about doing forever. The railings were only there for aesthetics, but since they were supremely ugly it  kind of defeated the purpose. We were okay with ugly, though, it was just that they'd also started falling apart.

One minute they were holding up okay except for one loose part, and the next minute entire sections of the railing were sagging and buckling until it looked like we lived in a haunted house.

I'm not even exaggerating, it was seriously unsafe. My mother-in-law leaned against one of the railings when she was here visiting after the baby was born and almost fell through.

And while we were at it (that's a lie, only Phillip was at it,) we decided to pry up the faded floor boards and replace them, which was hard, hot, sweaty, time-consuming work.

Not having a nail gun, Phillip pounded each individual nail with a hammer. Even though the porch isn't big, it was a lot of nails. So many that this happened halfway through:

At this particular point in the project, Phillip is contemplating blowtorching the entire porch.

Phillip was less than thrilled, as you can see from this picture. At least it's (almost) done.

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All the Highs and Lows of Motherhood

Yesterday was errand day. Three hours' worth of errands (including a pit stop at the mall play place) with my 4-year-old daughter, 2-year-old son, and a newborn in tow.

In case you're wondering how it went, I got an invitation to cut in the register line in front of two (two!) people.

Because my children were driving everyone CRAZY and they wanted to get us out of there.

At the post office, my daughter grabbed the bell on the door and shook it until it sounded like Rudolph was having a seizure in the lobby. Once everyone in the post office was deaf, she showed her brother how much fun it was to play with the retractable line dividers.

(Eventually I was able to coax them away from there, but I kind of wish I hadn't because they just went back to the bell.)

At CVS, my daughter stretched out both of her arms for maximum contact with ALL the merchandise on the way to the baby care aisle, where the 2-year-old knocked over every single bottle of baby wash on the shelf behind me while I looked for the right size of diapers.

In Target, my son ran behind the automatic door while I was talking to the customer service lady and it opened on him when a shopper came in. He wasn't hurt, but I think the shopper had a heart attack from squashing a child.

In the grocery store I corralled my son in the basket of the cart where he gnawed on a block of cheese through the plastic wrapper until it was mush, and his sister asked for marshmallows 47 times.

It was supposed to be a short trip for just a few essentials, but I forgot to factor in the time it would take to find a store employee to clean up the egg my son cracked open in the middle of the cereal aisle.

I could stop right there and it would be a pretty amusing story about a hectic day. But that wouldn't be telling all of it. There were also plenty of moments when I was practically moved to tears by their sweetness.

• In the car my 2-year-old pointed out every motorcycle he saw — and kept pointing it out until I acknowledged it. This is how it feels to be the most important person in someone's life. I'm lucky to have someone who loves me so much he wants me to be part of everything he sees.

• At the same time, I was nodding and smiling as his 4-year-old sister talked nonstop planning every detail of her birthday parties for the next four years. I doubt she'll still want a pink and purple ballerina party when she's 8, but I love her enthusiasm all the same.

• When I hoisted the baby's car seat out of the car at the post office, I told my 2-year-old "Hold hands in the parking lot!" I held out my hand, but he grabbed his sister's instead and I was so grateful that my kids were friends.

• Walking through the mall, I couldn't help but laugh at my 4-year-old swinging her arms as she tried to speed-walk in front of all of us to lead the way to Target and the 2-year-old clomp-clomp-clomping after her like a refrigerator.

• As they were both swinging from the sides of the cart like a merry band of pirates, I noticed a fellow shopper with her two teenage boys look wistfully after us. Her eyes crinkled and her expression almost audibly sighed, "Oh, I miss those days." Someday I'll remember this as the good old days, when everyone I loved was under one roof.

Yesterday, I spent three hours bouncing between two extremes: one minute I wanted to kiss my kids' downy little heads for pure joy and the next I wanted to leave them in the cart return for someone else to bring home. Repeat cycle.

Motherhood is both exasperating and wonderful. It's as fulfilling as it is draining.

That's why it can be so hard to answer the question, "How was your day?"

That's why Phillip never knows whether he's going to come home to find me weeping in despair as the kids demolish the house around me or whistling happily as they color to Mozart while a perfectly-cooked dinner is being put out on the table.

That's why we're all a little bit crazy sometimes.

Yesterday was errand day, but it was also a case study in all the highs and lows of motherhood.

When someone wants to know what it's like to be a mom, a thousand different things fly through my mind that all parents know but none of us can put into words.

Parenthood defies a simple answer, because each day is a jumble of everything the human heart could possibly hold.


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6 Things You Should Never Say to Anyone Ever

If you've got an Internet connection, you've probably already seen dozens of articles instructing you on the 7 Things Not to Say to Stay-at-Home Moms and the 5 Things Mothers of All Boys are Sick of Hearing. Also, you can't tell little girls they're pretty or say that a baby is chubby.

Turns out there's very little you can say to anyone without mortally offending their delicate eardrums!

I know you want to be sensitive, but finding an article outlining what you can't say to every conceivable type of person you might meet throughout the day... well, that's a lot of reading.

So I've simplified it for you, with this list of 6 things you should never say to anyone ever. You're welcome.

#1: What do you do for a living?

This seemingly innocent get-to-know-you question could potentially be offensive on so many levels. Besides the obvious fact that you may hit a sore spot with people who are looking for work or hate their current job, let's pretend you've just said this to a mom you met at your kids' 4th grade recorder concert.

If she's a stay-at-home mom, then you've basically just insinuated that being home with your kids full-time isn't real work and that's a real pig-headed thing to say. But if she also has a career outside the home, then how dare you imply that her life's most important work is something other than raising her children, you insensitive toad.

#2: Are you reading any good books right now?

How many enemies are you looking to make today, with a question like that? You, with your smug expression and your Kindle under your arm. Did it ever occur to you that maybe some people just don't have time to read and feel badly about that? How could it ever be a good idea to bring that up and reopen the wound?

And the fact is, not everyone enjoys reading, and who are you to say that everyone else needs to like a certain activity just because you say so? (Don't even get me started on the companion question, "Seen any good movies lately?" It's worse.)

#3: I'm so exhausted!

Really? Is this a contest? People never get tired of trying to one-up each other, and it's a surefire way to end up with hundreds of angry articles on the Internet called "An Open Letter to the Jerk in Line at Wal-Mart Who Said He Was Tired" directed right at you. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself when they go viral.

Even if you're not outright insinuating the other person isn't tired because they don't work as hard or they have a more frivolous life than you, it will absolutely come across that way. Definitely. Did they even ask if you're tired, anyway? Why is it always about you? Saying anything about yourself invites comparison and is just deliberately going out of your way to alienate people.

#4: How was your day?

Maybe they've had a bad day, and they don't want to talk about it. Shouldn't they be the ones to decide if they want to share personal details about their life with you, anyway? No one owes you a run-down of their day, so stop interrogating them already. This question shows zero respect for other people's personal boundaries, and quite frankly, casts your unwarranted judgment on all their life choices up to this point.

However, the alternative to asking about someone's day is not asking about their day, which clearly proves that you're a self-centered egotist who probably runs over fuzzy baby chipmunks on the road on purpose. Proceed with caution.

#5: I like your shirt/scarf/hat. Where did you get it?

You've got some nerve, if you practically come out and ask someone how much money they make like that. Either they'll say they bought it at Goodwill (in which case they'll feel inadequate) or they'll say they got it at Saks Fifth Avenue (and feel ashamed because there are kids starving in Africa.)

Or maybe they'll be embarrassed that they even bought it at all because they're trying to save the planet and only own upcycled things they found on the curb on garbage day! Any way you slice it, you simply cannot say this to someone or civilization as we know it will crumble to the ground.

#6: Wow, it's really hot/cold/cloudy/rainy today. 

If you talk about the weather with someone, you may as well be wearing a flashing neon sign that says, "I don't care to get to know the real you so I'll just make banal small talk until you go away." How offensive and presumptuous of you, and really, it's just displaying your own ignorance because every person is worth getting to know.

There's hardly another topic I can even think of that could be as inflammatory as the weather.


If the Internet has taught me anything, it's that you can't say anything to anyone without offending them. So it's probably best to just avoid leaving the house — the last thing I want to do is meet a human and then be forced to say something to them.

(If you liked this, you might want to see my popular post, "Favorite Responses to Comments on My Family Size." I'm not actually going to tell you what not to say to me — but this is probably what I'll say back if you're kind of rude!)

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7 Quick Takes about Superhero Confusion, Food That Could've Been Worse, and Bargain Prices for Top-Notch Mental Health Care

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

Before my 4-year-old randomly grabbed this easy reader at the library, I have to admit that I didn't know Wonder Woman's backstory. It's... interesting.

You know, she's just your regular old Amazonian warrior princess turned top-secret government worker who fights crime with her magical lasso of truth. And talks to animals. And flies.

So many questions were raised by the reading of this book. Why does she need an invisible jet if she can fly by herself? How does spinning turn her into Wonder Woman? And does it get annoying constantly hitching up her costume so it doesn't fall down when she's saving the world?

I was procrastinating doing any real work researching for this post and found out that there's a Wonder Woman movie coming out next year. I also found the intro theme for the '70s TV show, and there's pretty much no way it can be better than that.

(Spoiler: I just about spit my drink out of my nose at "In your satin tights/Fighting for your rights." Plan your beverage intake accordingly.)

—2—

Since we're like quasi-vegetarians now (I still don't know how that happened, it's probably a phase,) I decided to just go off the deep end entirely and make veggie burgers.

I've never eaten one in my life but there's a first time for everything. And the recipe was called "Best-Ever Veggie Burgers." So. Can't argue with that.

I started prepping things a day early, because they were so much work. I was in my kitchen roasting beets and running them over a box grater, you guys. But by then I was in too deep to listen to reason and quit.

I convinced Phillip to help me finish the prep work after the kids went to bed, and here are some things you would've heard in our kitchen if you'd been there:

• "This is SO gross." (roasted grated beets look like bloody entrails, FYI)
• "It says 'salt to taste' but I don't want to put this in my mouth."
• "There is no way this is going to taste good."
• *gagging noises*

Despite our lack of faith in the process, the finished product was... okay.

It didn't really taste like anything, actually. It was the texture we didn't like. They just sort of fell apart when you bit into them.

When you take into account how long they took to make, I'd say they were the least worth it thing I've ever done.

—3—

But that's not all the weird stuff I've been doing in the kitchen. I just made a batch of lactation cookies.

I've never made enough milk for my babies, even though I've tried drinking boatloads of water and even taking fenugreek supplements that came in giant horse pills that tasted like hay and made me smell like maple syrup. (It was delightful.)

But I've never tried lactation cookies, so I figured what could the harm be? Even if they don't work, I've still got cookies.

Besides, they're medicinal cookies so that means I don't have to share them with anyone.

—4—

We were looking over our health insurance statements and noticed that my 6-week postpartum checkup with my OB-GYN included a charge for "psychiatric."

I had to think hard about what that could mean until I remembered that in the lobby before my appointment I filled out a 10-question true/false survey to screen me for postpartum depression. It took maybe 20 seconds to fill out.

And that's what $7.50 of psychiatric services looks like.

—5—

With it being summer vacation and everyone home all day long, the kids are getting a little too familiar with each other and using not-so-nice voices to speak with each other.

So, problem-solvers that we are, we decided that we were going to put out a bar of soap in the entryway. Every time someone speaks unkindly, they have to go lick the soap.

(And yes, I am the mean mom who slips it in a Ziploc bag in her purse before we go to the park because hey, mean words can happen there, too.)

Our kids run the gamut in their reactions, from one who is so sure she never wants the soap that she turned into a saccharine-tongued princess overnight, to one who actually likes licking the soap and couldn't care less. I think overall, it's working though.

—6—

Phillip's new cell phone through work is legit fancy. It's even got high-tech fingerprint recognition to unlock it, which we thought was so cool until Phillip got a cut on his thumb and couldn't get in.

Eventually he racked his brain and was able to remember his backup password, but until he did I took great pleasure in using my phone in front of him unnecessarily just because I could. (He's always crowing about how his phone is better than mine.)

—7—

Here's a handy chart from our can of black olives that you might want to screenshot and keep handy for your reference:

Chips, you're a loser snack for loser-y losers.

What I want to know is, why are they comparing olives and chips? I get that they're both snack foods... kiiiind of. But a direct comparison is a little bit of a stretch.

But that reminds me, I need to go check the bag of baby carrots in the fridge to see whether they're healthier than Oreos; be right back.

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One a Day from Utah, Week 2

Our recent vacation to see our family in Utah was non-stop fun, especially for the kids.

In retrospect it may not have been a good idea to pack in so much fun stuff every day, because now the rest of their lives are going to be an incredible disappointment.

However, here's how Week 2 went. (If you missed Week 1, click here to read about it!)

This was probably the most uneventful day of our entire two-week trip, partly because our regular plans were interrupted.

Phillip and I were on an overnight trip to celebrate our anniversary, but had to cut it short because someone rear-ended his sister at a red light and his mom (who was watching the kids) needed to go drive her to work. Her car got towed, which also meant we were short a car (we'd been borrowing one of theirs) and we were homebound for the day.

Grandpa did take out this nifty race track for the kids and I had to laugh at how they looked like spectators at a tennis match with their heads all going left and right watching the cars go around the track.

And then one of the remotes started smoking. Apparently it has three settings: low, medium, and on fire. Use at your own risk.

In the morning we took everyone to the Museum of Church History in Salt Lake City. We'd meant to do it when we visited Temple Square the week before, but my kids were too busy touring all the public restrooms and we ran out of time.

We spent a lot of time checking out the religious art and playing at the hands-on children's exhibit on the second floor. And then visited the restroom before leaving, just so we didn't miss any in the city.

That evening, the boys left for an overnight camping trip in the Uinta National Forest (and come to think of it, I haven't seen a single picture from that) and the girls learned to make cute tote bags with Grandma.

I made all the curtains in our house by measuring and sewing straight lines, but I don't think I could sew with a pattern to save my life. So I'm glad Grandma could help them check that life skill off their bucket list.

Phillip's dad raises rabbits, and the day after we arrived the mama rabbit started nesting. She literally rips out a bunch of her own fur with her teeth to make a nest for the babies, and a few days later there was a litter of three little baby rabbits. Unfortunately, the runt died today but thankfully one of my girls and their cousin were able to give it a decent burial.

We did have many happy moments holding and playing with the remaining two babies over the course of the week, though. My younger kids didn't give a thought in the world to what Grandpa Bob does with the rabbits when they're full-grown because yay! fluffy bunnies! But my older kids were under no illusions and named them Dinner and Roasty.

Other members of our extended family started to arrive today, and we went to Seven Peaks waterpark. I have no idea what any of the kids did, as I essentially just nursed the baby in our cabana and farmed each of the kids out to a different uncle or aunt to take them on the waterslides. They went home happy and sunburnt, though, so they must've had a good time.

Now that everybody was here for the family reunion, it was family picture time. And I mean family picture.There were 12 adults and 14 kids (including a newborn, a 1-year-old, and a 2-year-old.) You can imagine the impossibility of getting everyone to look and smile at the same time.

But look at us all trying, though! That photographer (the one running around in khakis and the green shirt) was really earning his living that day, I tell you.

I'd like to insert a note to photographers here: no matter what, my kids aren't going to smile at someone they don't know. And if you get all up in my 2-year-old's face making duck noises and trying to get him to give you a high-five...? Maybe that kind of thing works with some kids. But you know how people during a traumatic event sort of leave their bodies as a mental coping mechanism? That's what mine do when photographers try to be their buddies. Sorry.

After pictures I took the little ones home for a nap, but I'm told that everyone had a fantastic time cooling off with water games like Drip, Drip, Drop and then divided up into teams for a scavenger hunt on the campus of Brigham Young University, where their dad and I went to school about a billion years ago.

Another Sunday, and we even got to church on time this week. After we got home, Phillip's sister organized something for the kids to do.

The cousins rarely see each other because we all live in different states, so they first played a get-to-know-you game (I learned that my daughter isn't the only weirdo in the world whose most hated thing is cotton — she refuses to touch cottonballs because of the way they feel.)

Then we played Faith Factor, a game that presumably came from the Internet that involved looking up scriptures, talking about them, and then choosing one of these bags with Minute To Win It-type challenges that cracked up all the kids.

Note to self: having two high-energy kids who hate to lose facing off against each other trying to blow a ping pong ball off their opponent's side of the table with a straw is just asking for someone to pass out.

On Monday morning Phillip's parents reserved a shelter at a park for a BBQ. We ate, took turns supervising the little kids wading in the river, and organized a marshmallow-gun shooting game of some kind or other.

When I asked for clarification on the rules I was told that it was just like the Revolutionary War, but with marshmallows and everyone was having fun. So, there's our history lesson for the day.

Back at home, we all pulled out our camping chairs to watch a home fireworks show. Nothing too huge, but the kids were all impressed with the ones that shot up in the air and came down with a little parachute (everyone got a turn catching one.)

I'm mostly glad that we kept all toes intact and had no trips to the emergency room, since the uncle setting off the fireworks was barefoot.

In researching before our trip, I found this Cascade Springs on a list of kid-friendly hikes in Utah and really wanted to go. It turned out to be more of a walk than a hike and a much longer drive than I anticipated, but I'm grateful to my family and my mother-in-law for humoring me and going along with it.

This was almost our last day here, so true to mom form I spent it doing laundry and other boring things in preparation to leave. Try not to be jealous of my glamorous life.

Somehow Delta removed our 4-year-old from our flight reservation and we were unable to check her in online, since she suddenly looked like an unaccompanied minor. I was pretty annoyed about that, but it didn't take too long to sort it out at the airport.

We'd learned a lot from our first flight and did everything a little smarter on the return trip. Even I was impressed with the well-oiled machine that was us getting through security. 

I can't speak for poor Phillip who was in charge of the very unhappy 2-year-old on the plane, but I actually enjoyed our flight because I was in charge of the baby who slept the entire time. My 12-year-old even taught me how to play backgammon on the touchscreens embedded in the backs of the seats ahead of us.

After landing, taking the shuttle to the place we'd parked our cars (and me freaking out because I momentarily couldn't find my keys) and the drive home, we dragged ourselves across the doorstep well after midnight. I think we're still adjusting to the time difference and catching up on sleep, but it's summer so who cares?


Also, a few people have requested advice for traveling with kids. My number one tip: never let them get in front of you. They have no idea where you're going. They have zero awareness that you're even going anywhere. They'll just stand there for infinity causing a massive traffic blockage and the airport version of road rage for everyone around you. Just keep moving and promise them snacks if they follow you.

You may not arrive at your destination with as many kids as you started out with, but on the plus side: more snacks for you.

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