Tuesday, October 6, 2015

A Tour of the First Trimester of Pregnancy

I lie in bed with one arm dangling off the side, face smashed against the mattress, wondering what time it is. Or even what day or year it is.

I'm exhausted. I'm starving. I want bacon.

Actually, that's disgusting. I'm so nauseous. I will never think about bacon again for as long as I live.

It's all coming back to me now... it's Tuesday, and today I'm 9 weeks pregnant. And I'm definitely about to vomit.

Welcome to the first trimester of pregnancy. Nobody can deny how incredible it is. Over the next three months, your baby will grow to 50 times its original size. It's a miracle, all right, but it's also gross, irrational, zombifying, and nauseating.

Allow me to take you on a little tour (don't worry, you still can use your copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting to bludgeon people who suggest you're acting "a little hormonal.")

A Tour of the First Trimester of Pregnancy -- the first three months are a miracle... but they're also pretty miserable  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

First, you can forget about getting anything done. You'll be too tired and sick to even stay on top of basic hygiene, letalone reorganizing the basement. Do yourself a favor and throw away your to-do list, replacing it with a single Post-It note that says, "Don't die." You can stick it to the lid of the toilet so you'll be sure to see it every day while you're willing yourself to just throw up already.

Ordinary smells will suddenly bring you to your knees. A block of cheddar cheese might as well be kryptonite from the way it makes you recoil in horror begging someone, anyone, to take it far away from you. Preferably stored in a sealed container and buried in the backyard.

Grocery shopping turns from a routine chore into one long manic-depressive episode. One second you'll want to devour everything in the aisle immediately, and the next you'll be dry heaving because you saw a can of creamed corn. (Which, by the way, sounds delicious by the time you reach check-out.)

You can fall asleep any place, any time. You'll walk into rooms and forget why you're there. You'll lose 50% of your vocabulary and become extremely annoyed when people are too stupid to understand when you ask them to "bring me the, the... the thing."

Emotions go completely haywire, and finding that your husband has been eating the tortillas you were craving for lunch will make you seriously contemplate driving to his office to strangle him with the empty bag. The combination of your uncapped crazy and your pimply new T-zone will actually be like going through the teenage years all over again.

Except this time you're also bloated.

But in between the exhaustion, the nausea, and the epic mood swings, you really will be blown away by what's actually happening inside your body.

Someday the tiny little person you're growing will have interests and talents and friends and feelings and will sit at your kitchen table discussing politics and college admissions with you  all in the time it takes for you to blink.

Yes, pregnancy is the hardest miracle you'll ever experience. And I'm being both sarcastic and completely serious when I say, "Aren't we lucky?"

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Unknown said...

Ick. I hope things improve in the second trimester for you. My first pregnancy was a complete breeze (no morning sickness, nothing). If I hadn't missed my period I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant. Of course, I should've known I was going to pay with that during the second pregnancy. Absolutely sick, the entire pregnancy. Morning sickness all 9 months. My husband (no joke) thought I was dying. He was constantly concerned. When I (and the doc) told him this was normal, he was appalled and always replied with "this didn't happen the first time around!" lol.

Seriously, though, I hope things improve. Pregnancy, while joyous and wonderful, can also be a real pain sometimes.

Jenny said...

I was lucky to never be super sick, but the smell of curry. For the love of everything good in this world! If I had to smell curry for one more day, I was ready to knock on that neighbors door and throw up right there when they opened it.

Unknown said...

Urgh! The nausea! So glad I'll never have to experience that again. I remember being particularly grossed out by the smell of bread baking which is kind of an anti-craving. Second time round I mostly remember the crippling tiredness and actually falling asleep at my desk which is not great when you are keeping your early pregnancy a secret! Great post Jenny - thanks for linking #thetruthabout

mumturnedmom said...

First of all, congratulations! I wasn't too ill with the first two, but the third, gah! Sixteen weeks of feeling like I might throw up at any moment (but I never did!)... Hope it eases for you soon x

Kendall said...

Uggh! I Always seem to have terrible first trimesters (closing in on the end of 2nd pregnancy now), so I can definitely understand. I basically loathed first trimester because I'm not only nauseous all the time, but also sick and hardly able to eat, let alone drink the water.

Hope things get better for you soon. To give some hope, with this pregnancy, I was feeling better a bit by 10/11 weeks, versus the 15/16 last pregnancy.

Mama :hugs:

Jenny Evans said...

Okay, that really scares me. I'm usually done with feeling gross by 13ish weeks, but if I get there and still feel crummy I think I'll just curl up into the fetal position and cry until my due date.

Jenny Evans said...

That's funny, because bread baking is the best smell in the world! I actually think people knew I was pregnant before I told anyone because I looked like death warmed over.

Jenny Evans said...

My first two were super easy as well, and let me tell you, I did NOT appreciate it nearly enough at the time!!

Jenny Evans said...

Yikes. I've definitely got foods that I can't even stomach the thought of (which change every few minutes) but there's always something I could stand to eat. So I can't imagine. Actually with my last I constantly had food in my face because the only time I didn't feel nauseous was when I was eating.

Anonymous said...

Lynne from UK
My first pregnancy I couldn't cook meat as it smelt awful it took 10 years before I could eat any meat.
I have memories of my third pregnancy, my daughter in a bouncing chair as I gave her her bottle, my son (my eldest) pretending to throw up like mummy in the bath (daughter was about 5 months old and my son was 19months when I was 1 month into my pregnancy with #3 my youngest son.)

Susannah said...

Hahaha. Oh goodness, YES! This is way too true!

Queen Mom Jen said...

Haha! Yes! We are lucky even though I couldn't even drink water without gagging! Make your husband shop. That is what I did :)

Anonymous said...

OK, I just found you and it made my day. Thanks for the laughs.

Even though I am done having babies, this post brought back memories...like the time I fell asleep at a stop light when I was pregnant with my first child. I didn't even know I was pregnant, however after hearing my story, my girlfriend went at lunch and bought me a test so I could take it that afternoon!

Jenny Evans said...

Yep, that sounds just about right!

Sarah C said...

I am 9 weeks pregnant with our 4th child and this blog describes this pregnancy to a 'T'. Thanks for a great laugh! You put it well!

mom jeans said...

Very nice article Jenny