Monday, December 17, 2018

Things Kids Say Right Before They Get Hurt

When my toddler looked at me seriously from his seat at the kitchen table, said "I'm not going to fall," and then seconds later, fell off his chair, I realized something.

Kids give you clues to how and when they're going to get hurt, if you know how to read them.

Being the helpful parent I am, I've put together this handy guidebook for you: think of it as a sort of Spanish-English dictionary, but for injuries immediately following commonly-used childhood phrases.

You're welcome.

This funny parent guide will make you laugh today. Did you hear your toddler say “I do it myself!” or your older children say “Mom, look at me?” Then there’s a 95% chance your kid is about to hurt himself. #kids #parenting #parentinghumor #momlife #real #funny #unremarkablefiles

Look at me!


Look at me! /'lʊk æt mi/

You can expect the mildest type of injury here, such as a skinned knee or split lip. Easily treatable by kissing it better. If that doesn't work, trying displaying excessive amounts of concern and administering Band-aids (placebo) or icing invisible injuries with a bag of frozen French cut green beans (also placebo.)

Tip: Don't be fooled by excessive tears and the fact that your child is howling like a distressed Alaskan Malamute. She is fine.

Hey guys, watch this.


Hey guys, watch this. /heɪ ɡaɪz, wɑtʃ ðɪs/

Most commonly precedes a goose egg on the forehead, rugburn along the back or stomach, or a black eye. Other kids may be implicated in said accident but it will be hard to tell who, since they'll immediately scatter .2 seconds after the injury occurs.

I can do it myself.

I can do it myself. /aɪ kæn du ɪt maɪˈself/

The more emphatically this phrase is said, the more quickly and certainly injury will follow. Bumps to the head, tripping, accidental side splits on the hardwood floor, and falling after getting entangled in a pair of pants are common. Treatment is usually not necessary; your hardest job as a parent will be not laughing at the irony.

Don't worry, I do this all the time.


Don't worry, I do this all the time. /doʊnt ˈwʌri, aɪ du ðɪs ɔl ðə taɪm/

Just as with "I can do it myself," the more assured your child is that he's got this totally under control the more definitely there is going to be bodily harm. However, "Don't worry, I do this all the time" injuries are generally more serious in nature, often involving lacerations to the face, head, or hands.

Tip: If you hear your child say "Don't worry, I do this all the time," it's a good idea to go start up the car because a trip to urgent care is imminent. Hopefully the scar won't be too bad.

This is gonna be awesome!


This is gonna be awesome! /ðɪs ɪz ˈɡɔnə bi ˈɔsəm/

This one means an E.R. copay for sure, and is usually the result of an elaborate hare-brained scheme that you certainly would have put a stop to earlier had you known about it.

Depending on how you are in an emergency, you'll either hyperventilate while dialing 911 or swiftly put any severed body parts on ice and drive to the nearest emergency room. You'll be furious at your child's disturbing lack of judgement from anywhere from 6-12 weeks, but after that it will at least become a good story to tell at family reunions and holidays.

I saw a guy do this once on YouTube


I saw a guy do this once on YouTube. /aɪ sɔ ə ɡaɪ du ðɪs wʌns ɑn ju tub/

Unfortunately, this means a concussion and possible property damage. An emergency visit to the dentist may also be necessary. Following the injury, you'll most likely forbid your child to access WiFi until he turns 35.

Now, predicting your child's next injury isn't an exact science. It's more like reading tea leaves or interpreting a Mother's Day card from your preschooler. But I think you get the idea, and hopefully this guide helps. 

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