Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Honest Slogans for Parenting Products

If you're a parent, you're also a marketer. 

You call chores a "game" or a "race" and suddenly your kids are fighting over the vacuum. You announce Stuffed Zucchini Night by saying "Yay! Pizza boats for dinner!" (which may or may not work, but at least you tried.) You have the ability to get kids excited about a trip to the post office using nothing but a hyper-enthusiastic voice. 

Basically, we're liars so our kids will buy what we're selling.

And that is why it's especially ironic that advertisers use our own tricks to sell us the parenting products we use every day. If we dropped the pretenses and companies were completely honest with us, we might start hearing slogans like these:


Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?

Band-Aids: Fine. Whatever. I can't even see it, but there. NOW does your leg feel better?

Baby Einstein Videos: You'll love this series of random objects set to Beethoven on the marimba that will keep your child quiet for 27 minutes.


Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?
photo credit

Sophie the Giraffe:
Like catnip, but for babies.

Jogging Stroller: So people think you're athletic when they look in your garage.


Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?
photo credit Your Best Digs


Baby Gate: You'll get hurt every time you go through it and your spouse will never learn how to open it!

Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?
photo credit

Kraft Mac & Cheese: Because sometimes you're tired.

Toddler Art Easel: Mocking you silently from the corner while you scrub crayon off the wall.
Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?
photo credit

Baby Swing:
The only place any baby has ever slept.



Swaddler: Like a straitjacket, but with pictures of duckies.


Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?
photo credit

Sippy Cup: No library book or important document is safe from our loose interpretation of the phrase "spill-proof."

Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?

Moby Wrap: Sometimes you just feel like doing a very complicated ribbon dance in public.


Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?
photo credit

Bib: Prevent 6 square inches of your child's shirt from getting as disgusting as the rest of them.

Bedside Co-sleeper: For decorative purposes only. Babies sleep horizontally with a foot in your trachea.


Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?

Baby Socks: New parents, meet your nemesis.

Slime: Seasoned parents, meet your nemesis.


Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?



Inflatable Kiddie Pool: Pops after 10 minutes! Guaranteed to make your child have to poop!


Hearing this kind of thing on a radio jingle or a commercial break for Stranger Things might be a little weird at first, but I think the honesty would be refreshing. 

Then we'd know exactly what it is we're buying. Just don't tell it to the kids.

What other honest parenting product slogans would you add to the list?

Let's be honest. Sophie the Giraffe is catnip for babies, right?

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2 comments:

  1. So true! I was laughing at all, but especially loved slime, Moby wrap and the jogging stroller.

    I am too old to know what magic is Sophie the Giraffe?!

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    Replies
    1. I'm too old, too. Or at least my kids are. We've never owned Sophie the Giraffe but it's a teething toy I've seen all of my younger parent friends with and I think you're legally required to own before they let you leave the hospital with a baby now.

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