Tuesday, February 20, 2018

30 Reasons It Took 90 Minutes to Leave the House Today

I am perpetually late for everything. Parent-teacher conferences? Late. Drop-off at soccer practice? Also late. I think I'm already running late for the kids' dental cleanings two days from now.

I never set out to become the kind of person whose friends need to lie and say the thing starts at 9:30 when it really starts at 10, and yet here we are.

I think I'm already running late for the kids' dental cleanings two days from now.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Since having children I'm unsure how any parent ever gets anywhere on time, though, because a typical morning for us trying to get out the door looks like this:

1. He decided he hated his usual breakfast.

2. She ingested her toast one molecule at a time.

3. Both kids spilled their milk. Twice.

4. They wanted to build a tower out of couch cushions.

5. It was imperative to their happiness to play one more round of Go Fish.

7. He picked two shirts out of his dresser and refused to wear anything else. He was enraged by the sight of a pair of pants.

8. All of her socks were bumpy.

9. All of her pants were itchy.

10. The kids' argument over who gets to stand on the bathroom stool rivaled Thomas Jefferson negotiating the Louisiana Purchase.

11. She wanted to do her own hair.

12. He wanted to brush his own teeth.

13. She refused to accept the laws of physics, which say it's impossible to get dressed while holding gigantic stuffed animals in each hand.

14. I had to clean up the box of tampons the baby scattered on the floor while I was in the shower.

15. Someone took my hair dryer to use it as a "bad guy shooter."

16. And had a tantrum when I found the hair dryer and took it away.

17. The baby had a diaper blowout and needed a bath.

18. When his brother saw me filling the tub, he whipped off all his clothes too because BATHTIME.

19. Had to fish a plastic monster truck out of the toilet.

20. I came to a place emotionally where I needed to zone out on Facebook for 10 minutes or scream in a closet. And the closet was farther away.

21. Realized the kids' shoes were still wet from playing outside yesterday and had to dry them in the dryer.

22. Remembered an important phone call I had to make before leaving

23. Spent 20 minutes looking for my keys, found them under a pile of Shokpins in a saucepan in the kitchen.

24. I had to do a walk-through to turn off all the lights the kids turned on. (Which was every light in the house, FYI, including the exterior porch lights.)

25. One child was upset about not beating the other at putting on his jacket.

26. I grossly underestimated how long it takes to herd the kids 5 feet from house to the driveway.

27. Child wanted to bring 146 toys in the car.

28. She wanted to do her own seat belt.

29. My toddler was mad I didn't let him touch on the roof of the car before buckling up so I had to unbuckle him and let him do it.

30. All children claimed to be dying of thirst the instant I turned the keys in the ignition.

And, after we finally got going, we had to make an unscheduled pit stop on the way. Probably because of the last-minute water I so graciously provided.

Forget being on time. You should thank your lucky stars that I'm even here at all.

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3 comments:

  1. It’s scary how real this is. But really, WHY do kids need to touch the roof of the car? Gracie went through a phase of that. We have a window in the garage she also needs to touch upon entering and exiting the car. God help me if I forget.

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    Replies
    1. Mine requests to "bonk his head" on the ceiling, I don't know why. Probably I bonked his head once by accident and made it sound fun so he didn't cry...

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  2. #18 should read, and climbed into the tub with their clothes on. At least at my house.

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