Wednesday, April 6, 2016

When a Control Freak Prays

My name is Jenny, and I'm a control freak.

Of course, I'm not really in control of anything because I've got 5 (nearly 6) kids running amok in our house and life is kuh-razy, but I at least like to maintain the illusion of control, and here's how I do it.

If you've read this blog for more than 30 seconds you know that I often miss deadlines, space on appointments, deal with unexpected disasters, or show up late  sometimes all in the same day   but when I do, I re-calibrate and go on as best I can. I  chart my course, dang it!

But what if I consciously decided ahead of time that it's okay to totally drop the ball if God wants something more important to happen instead?

That's actually a terrifying prospect for a control freak: letting something important go undone, not because it was simply unavoidable, but because you chose to let it go undone.

Therein lies the dilemma when a control freak prays.

When a Control Freak Prays -- I like to maintain the illusion of control - so how do I let go and trust God enough to ask Him to take the wheel?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Lately I've felt a sense of overwhelming busyness that drives basically everything I do: I have to plan this, I have to organize that, I have to sign the kids up for those and do these billion things for my blog  all of which take much more time than I actually have at my disposal.

At the same time I've had a nagging feeling that I'm sort of wandering, that for all of my busyness I'm still not where I want to be.

Where do I want to be? And more importantly, who do I want to be?

In all sincerity, I want to be the person God intends me to be.

But that requires me to relinquish some of my control and let Him do the molding and shaping instead. It makes no sense to ask God to show me what He needs me to do today if I've already overscheduled every moment with full insistence that all the things must be done no matter what.

Placing myself in God's hands and going wherever He wants me to go and doing whatever He wants me to do is scary because while I'm doing that, all the other stuff might not end up getting done.

However, the outcome will be better. God will make a lot more out of my life than I can, even with all my careful curation.

So what I'm asking in prayer now has shifted a little. I'm asking for help to overcome my fear of losing control, and replace it with faith that God is in control. After all, if I really do want Him to direct my path, I need to be willing to give Him room to do it.

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6 comments:

  1. I love this! I am similar and have a hard time giving up that control. It's so hard! Prayer is definitely something I am working on right now.

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  2. This is so me. And I've been working on this. And amazingly the better i get at relinquishing that control to Him the more at peace and happy I feel

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    1. Just like anything else that's good for you, you kind of dig your heels in and resist it. But in the long run, it really does feel better.

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  3. Totally me. I've gotten better but this is still me,

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  4. Jenny, jumping on the bandwagon with everyone else, this is so me! Learning to let go of my control-freakishness has been a process in my life for many years. Something that I've been getting better at not doing, but I still slip up at times.

    "It makes no sense to ask God to show me what He needs me to do today if I've already overscheduled every moment with full insistence that all the things must be done no matter what."<----This was my favorite part, you make such a good point here! It's so easy to say, "Okay, God, whatever you want to do in my life today you can do" but then stubbornly refuse to budge from our own agendas. Thank you for this totally awesome reflection!

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    1. I don't know that I've ever before been really conscious of the fact that it was a problem for me - but knowing is half the battle, as G.I. Joe would say.

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