Monday, April 11, 2016

Pregnant Confessions

Pregnancy is a miraculous process that brings a new life into the world; it's also a time when women like me do some things they'd never admit out loud to anyone.

Here are my pregnant confessions:

Pregnant Confessions -- Yes, I've used my pregnancy as a smokescreen to do all of these things in secret. And I'm not even embarrassed about it.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}


Confession #1: I've used my preschooler as a cover for visiting the restroom.

Yes, I've grabbed my 4-year-old's hand and taken her with me to the restroom because I didn't want it to look like I was the one who had to pee so urgently she couldn't sit through 10 more minutes of church. I'm a grown woman with a bladder compressed to the size of a chickpea right now, and my preschooler is my smokescreen.

Confession #2: I've cut in line because "I'm pregnant."

I'll also accept the offer of the lady in line at the restroom to go ahead of her, fully realizing she assumes it's the cute preschooler at my side (and not me) who needs to go. I'm not lying exactly, it's just that she's not asking and I'm not telling. Thanks anyway, though, lady. You're still preventing an accident, you just don't realize for which one of us.

Confession #3: I've forgotten how far along I am on multiple occasions.

When you finally become so gigantic that it's safe for strangers to assume you're pregnant, everybody starts asking about it. Everybody. And quite often, when the woman at the post office counter guesses how many days, weeks, or months I have left to go, I'll just say "yep, good guess" because I can't remember.

Confession #4: I let people carry heavy things for me.

Pregnant women can run marathons (hello, childbirth is a marathon) and generally be amazing, but there are a surprising number of people out there who assume we aren't supposed to lift anything heavier than a Kleenex. I've let the kindly grocery bagger help me out to my car and unload the bags into the trunk, not because I have a medically valid excuse, but simply because I hate unloading groceries. I can only get away with this because I'm a million weeks pregnant.

Confession #5: I've lied about why I'm eating to my children.

In my non-pregnant state, I'm forced to eat my secret candy or have a second helping of dessert while hiding in the closet or after the kids go to bed. But when I'm pregnant? Right out in the open, in front of everyone. I've also taken the last handful of chips in the bag because "the baby needed it," an explanation the kids accept at face value. I don't even think I feel bad about this.


I apologize if this list spoils it for other women out there who also do these things secretly while they're pregnant. If you want to talk to me about it, you can probably find me waiting in line for the restroom at the library. I'm the one with the preschooler who looks slightly confused about why she's there.

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19 comments:

  1. Solidarity! It's gotten to the point where my kids automatically know it's reasonable for me to eat double desserts because either the nursing baby or in utero baby "needs" it ;)

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    1. Yes, because we're obviously supplying the baby with all the essential nutrients so vital to its growth: sugar, fat, etc... I'm surprised my oldest hasn't called me out on this yet.

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  2. Haha I so relate to #3! The other week when people asked me how far along I was, I told them "30 weeks," because I was convinced that that was the answer. And then later, I realized that I was actually 29 weeks. I had to write it all out on my wall calendar to look at frequently, just so that I'll know for when people ask me!

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    1. I do the same! About 90% of the reason I write it down is just so I don't look like a complete dimwit. Somehow I still seem to not remember when I'm out, though.

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  3. So, I do most of these even when I'm not pregnant. Ok, maybe just the hiding in the closet to eat something I didn't want to share. I also wish that when the bagger asks if I needed any help out that also meant they would follow me home and put my groceries away for me.

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    1. I really think that could be a viable business model. I mean, I would shop at that grocery store.

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  4. In France, you can get a special pregnant-person card that gets you loads of perks! I waited until I was pregnant to exchange my UK driving license for a French one, because there's a special pregnant-person queue at the county offices which means it takes ten minutes instead of 3 hours... also, you can keep it as long as you have three kids under 16! There are also special tills at the supermarket :-)

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    1. Aaaaand... Googling real estate in France.

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    2. Try Lower Normandy or Brittany - you can get a LOT of house for your money there! ;-)

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  5. Heck ya! I say take the good parts of pregnancy and use them to our best benefit for sure! We have to make the whole process at least minimally advantageous for us at least until at the end when we finally get that cute baby at the end! This is a Happy Now Link-Up post for sure!

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  6. Totally been there and done that with both my pregnancies! So, you have my full support on all of the above :)

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  7. These are great! I love #1. That's brilliant :). Being pregnant can be really tough at times. We absolutely deserve some perks.

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  8. Hee hee! I remember that because I'm tall I never looked too pregnant. Lots of room for baby to hang out in my midsection. Which was frustrating because I wanted the perks and kindness I saw given to other obviously pregnant ladies!

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    1. I might trade being able to breathe in exchange for some of these perks. There is not enough room for 2 lungs and a baby in here, I'm afraid.

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  9. #5 all the way! I definitely took advantage of my pregnant state as much as possible last time!

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  10. Please send some pregnancy my way...actually why am I asking you, I should go find my husband and ask him... (My other comment had a spelling mistake I had to fix)

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    1. Ha! He's probably in a better position to help you than I am, but I'll send good wishes your way!

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  11. Oh yes I think we all are guilty of these for sure. bless you too funny. Nothing wrong with a few pregnancy confessions. Thanks for sharing them on #sharewithme

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