Monday, January 18, 2016

Winter is Coming

Here in the Northeast, we were all coasting along right through Christmastime, occasionally donning a light jacket when required but mostly lulled into a false sense of security that winter would never really come.

I know now that we were spoiled out of our minds.

The weather has turned. Instead of rain, we're getting snow.

And snotsicles.

And days when my kids actually want to wear coats instead of me begging on my knees for them to at least just put one in their backpack so I don't get yelled at by their teacher or receive a letter from the school with a polite inquiry as to whether I'm aware of the free coats available at our local food pantry.

It's starting to get cold in earnest now, and I'm already weary of this.

I know I have readers in Minnesota, Canada, and since Google Analytics tells me a large portion of my readership lately has been coming from Russia, possibly in Siberia, who are probably banging their fists on the keyboard and yelling things at me through the screen that would make a sailor blush.

For what I'm about to say, I'm sorry. It hasn't even been below 10 degrees Farenheit here yet. You have it worse than I do, and you have since October. You win. Unluckily for you, I'm a poor loser and a complainer.

You see, the cold has a way of transforming things I used to love into things I fear.

The hot shower to which I used to so look forward is now a torture device. There's no conceivable way for all 360 degrees of me to stay warm at the same time, so even though I crank up the hot water and possibly smell burning flesh on one side of me, I'm still shivering and chattering because of the cold on the other side.

Ten minutes, fifteen minutes go by and I'm still in the shower. I don't even enjoy it anymore, but I'm too afraid to get out because it'll be even worse. (It occurs to me that this sounds like an abusive relationship, but I'm just not sure how to quit showering for an entire season.)

I'm already a terrible night owl, mainly because I think sleep is boring, but adding the prospect of sandwiching myself between a freezing cold mattress and blankets at night makes it even worse. I'll put it off as long as possible.

Usually there's some sort of intense bargaining ritual involving picking a number or rock-paper-scissors to figure out which poor sap (Phillip or I) has to go in first.

And then in the mornings, I lie there huddled under the blanket that just finally started keeping me warm about 15 minutes ago, not wanting to get out. A small child hid my slippers two days ago and the hardwood floor will shrivel my bare feet up like prunes on contact.

So I lie there for a while, dreading any appointments outside of the house we have that day. I'll take that lovely hot shower I mentioned, bundle up, open the door, and feel the piercing sting of my nose hairs instantly freezing as the air hits my face.

I repeat: when I go outside there is ice INSIDE OF MY NOSE. This is not okay.

I'll barely be able to stutter a reply to my preschooler asking, "Why is there smoke coming out of our mouths, Mommy?" and even though I put on my driving mittens  yes, I have a pair of dedicated "driving mittens" in the car because I'm 90 years old and gloves aren't warm enough  all the warmth will still be sucked out of my hands by the frozen steering wheel.

We're not there yet, but we will be.

And I am very, very afraid.

Winter Is Coming -- Don't you just love how half of you is always freezing to death in the shower? Or how your nose hairs freeze when you go outside? Yeah, me neither.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
Circa February 2015 - Don't you just hate it when you lose your preschooler in the snow?

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  1. Three words: Heated Mattress Pad.
    Trust me.

    1. Give me a minute to wipe the drool off my face...

      We used to have an electric blanket that we turned on 15 minutes before getting into bed, but it died a few seasons ago and so did a piece of me.

  2. I hate winter. The fun of winter and snow was gone long ago for me and I can't see why my kids WANT to go out and play in the snow. Wet and cold and cold. I'll take some summer now, thanks

    1. Me, too! I want to complain about how hot it is, instead!

  3. You know, all those people here in Michigan who were complaining about our mild Winter around Christmas time were insane. I was like, "People, it's Michigan. Shut up. Winter is coming and will last until May." And, lookey here, it came!

    1. Lasts a long time in that part of the country, I wouldn't complain about having a brown Christmas!

  4. Snotsicles-Oh my Lanta!! I'm still laughing out loud!! I use driving gloves here in Fl when it goes below 50 degrees!!
    Yes, invest in a small heater for your bathroom! And an electric blanket! Your life may well depend on those!!