Monday, November 30, 2015

Things I Say During the Month of December

Even though Christmas is my favorite time of the year, sooner or later the stress gets to me: the baking, the gift-buying (and wrapping,) and the tall stack of Christmas cards to address and send — all on top of all the regular work of life that I already can't keep up with!

So as I gear up for another Christmas, here's a list of things that I will almost definitely say between now and December 25th:

I have a nervous breakdown every Christmas season, and when you hear me saying these things you know I'm getting close...

"Do you have anything you want me to put in the Christmas letter about you? No, I'm not saying that. That, either."

"Look at this line. I can't believe we're doing this again this year."

"My eardrums are going to start bleeding if I hear Burl Ives sing 'Kisserrrrrrr once for me!' again."

"I know he's going to cry. But it's my inalienable right as a parent to get a picture of him on Santa's lap and he'll survive."

"Hi honey, can you buy like 12 boxes of butter on your way home from work? Thanks!"

"I love Amazon Prime."

"Who wants to help Mommy stuff Christmas card envelopes? Anybody?"

"Are we still having this conversation every morning? I said no shorts!"

"If you say in front of your little sister that there's no Santa one more time, you will get no presents this year!"

"I'm going to vomit if I see one more Christmas cookie."

"$23.49 for overnight shipping? The thing only costs $10!"

"Oh, you've had all your shopping done since Thanksgiving? Well, I just took down the Easter Egg wreath on our front door, so I guess we're both doing pretty well."

"How can we not have any tape? I just bought 5 rolls!"

"Are we just buying crap for the sake of buying crap?"

"No ornaments on the bottom half of the tree, you know the baby will eat them."

"I'm pretty sure this is a fire hazard, you guys."

"Sorry, no changing your mind about what you want from Santa now. Uh... because his elves are already working on it."

"Really? You just watched another movie in school? You haven't learned anything in at least a week."

"There's no way we're doing Elf on the Shelf. Our Tooth Fairy can't even get it together, and that's only once every couple of months."

"Whoever took baby Jesus out of the Nativity set, you've got 10 minutes to put him back."

"That's fine if you don't want to look at Christmas lights. You can close your eyes. Now get in the car!"

"I'm making cookie plates for the neighbors and I need your opinion: How many cookies say, 'I'm sorry you can hear our kids screaming from inside your house?'"

"No more fingers in the cookie dough, you guys, I mean it! These are for the neighbors!"

"Santa does not bring live pets for Christmas. I don't care what he said at the mall."

"I don't know why Clara's shoe kills the mouse king. It just does. No, I don't think it's radioactive. It's just a shoe."

"Who was peeking in here? The corner of this present was clearly unwrapped by one of you."

"Ugh... let's try this again. Buddy, I know you're bored. But if you ever want to leave you need to look at the camera and stop making faces!"

"I just took this garland out of the box. How has it shed all over the house already?"

"Put those ornaments back, they'll get broken. See? What did I tell you?"

"No matter what I do, this tree looks lopsided."

"Every time I turn around there are more of them than before! How many presents are left to wrap? I'm so tired my eyeballs feel like they're turning inside-out, and we haven't even filled their stockings yet..."

I have a nervous breakdown every Christmas season, and when you hear me saying these things you know I'm getting close...


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13 comments:

  1. I do love amazon prime! And there really is never enough tape. Especially with my four year old, she sticks it to everything! Lol
    Love this post!
    Oh and BTW...when our second child was two she managed to hide all the prices to the nativity scene and we didn't find baby Jesus until March! He was way down in the couch. We have glues that poor nativity set back together so many times. Poor baby Jesus. :(

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    1. I think our poor Nativity sets could get together and swap horror stories about all the things they've been through at our houses...

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    2. Lol I think you may be right. Poor baby Jesus...:(

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  2. This so true!! What alternative universe does tape and scissors disappear into??

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    1. It kind of scares me when a scissors goes missing in our house. No good can come of that!

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  3. Ha ha, I I'll probably find myself saying these too.
    #thetruthaabout

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  4. LOL asking your husband to bring home the butter! Everything this time of year needs butter. :)

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  5. I majorly second the "I love Amazon Prime." I have become so spoiled that I feel all put out when I have to wait 4-5 business days for a package to arrive from Old Navy. Hah!

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  6. Oh this did make me laugh Jenny! I just hope your neighbours don't read your blog :-) Also I'm now really happy that I only have two children - The Tape! The Tape! Oh ditto on Amazon Prime too. Thanks so much for linking up to #thetruthabout

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    1. I was thinking about slipping an apology to our neighbors in this post, but I guess I can just write in on the card attached to their cookie plates this year!

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  7. I think I will almost definitely say ALL of these save 2. Those two are replaced with "Thank you God that our only neighbor is grandma so I don't have to bake 'I am sorry we are hideously loud' Christmas cookies."

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