So as I gear up for another Christmas, here's a list of things that I will almost definitely say between now and December 25th:
"Do you have anything you want me to put in the Christmas letter about you? No, I'm not saying that. That, either."
"Look at this line. I can't believe we're doing this again this year."
"My eardrums are going to start bleeding if I hear Burl Ives sing 'Kisserrrrrrr once for me!' again."
"I know he's going to cry. But it's my inalienable right as a parent to get a picture of him on Santa's lap and he'll survive."
"Hi honey, can you buy like 12 boxes of butter on your way home from work? Thanks!"
"I love Amazon Prime."
"Who wants to help Mommy stuff Christmas card envelopes? Anybody?"
"Are we still having this conversation every morning? I said no shorts!"
"I'm going to vomit if I see one more Christmas cookie."
"$23.49 for overnight shipping? The thing only costs $10!"
"Oh, you've had all your shopping done since Thanksgiving? Well, I just took down the Easter Egg wreath on our front door, so I guess we're both doing pretty well."
"Are we just buying crap for the sake of buying crap?"
"No ornaments on the bottom half of the tree, you know the baby will eat them."
"I'm pretty sure this is a fire hazard, you guys."
"Sorry, no changing your mind about what you want from Santa now. Uh... because his elves are already working on it."
"Really? You just watched another movie in school? You haven't learned anything in at least a week."
"There's no way we're doing Elf on the Shelf. Our Tooth Fairy can't even get it together, and that's only once every couple of months."
"Whoever took baby Jesus out of the Nativity set, you've got 10 minutes to put him back."
"That's fine if you don't want to look at Christmas lights. You can close your eyes. Now get in the car!"
"I'm making cookie plates for the neighbors and I need your opinion: How many cookies say, 'I'm sorry you can hear our kids screaming from inside your house?'"
"Santa does not bring live pets for Christmas. I don't care what he said at the mall."
"I don't know why Clara's shoe kills the mouse king. It just does. No, I don't think it's radioactive. It's just a shoe."
"Who was peeking in here? The corner of this present was clearly unwrapped by one of you."
"Ugh... let's try this again. Buddy, I know you're bored. But if you ever want to leave you need to look at the camera and stop making faces!"
"I just took this garland out of the box. How has it shed all over the house already?"
"Put those ornaments back, they'll get broken. See? What did I tell you?"
"No matter what I do, this tree looks lopsided."
"Every time I turn around there are more of them than before! How many presents are left to wrap? I'm so tired my eyeballs feel like they're turning inside-out, and we haven't even filled their stockings yet..."