Even though I'm excited, I have to tell you that I don't really know how to celebrate a blog's first birthday. I mean, with a kid you can just give them a cardboard box and let them push all the buttons on the elevator and it'll be pretty much the best birthday ever. But a blog?
So I decided to let my kids handle it.
My 3-year-old was adamant that we needed a cake. She's a smart girl, because even she knows that blogs can't eat cake and the leftovers would go to her.
This is what she chose at the store:
|Special edition watermelon-flavored cake mix... this could get weird.|
Actually it tasted like regular cake, smelled like a watermelon Jolly Rancher (so totally natural,) and had little black sugar crystals that were supposed to look like little watermelon seeds.
|Greasing the pans while the preschooler was trying to gnaw the bag of cake mix open with her teeth.|
|Really upset that the box warned "DO NOT EAT RAW CAKE BATTER." We ate it, anyway.|
|The toddler helped by fetching multiple random colanders and breaking the grid off the windows.|
Then it was time to frost the cake. Each kid got a turn to do it completely their way, even though I had to ball up a rag and shove it in my mouth to keep from offering helpful hints or just cleaning all the crumbs off the knife first.
|Don't think I don't see that hunk of cake you broke off while you were busy "frosting."|
|There were 128 sprinkles in the package. I know because she put each one on individually.|
|Happy Birthday to you, Unremarkable Files.|
|At least it tasted good.|
I'm sure the kids are all planning which of the inanimate objects around our house can have a birthday next.
Then it occurred to me that I wasn't sure any of them really knew what a blog even is. It was quite possible they were all just thinking, "Okay, mom's obviously crazy but since we get cake we'd better keep our mouths shut."
I decided to interview each of the older 4 kids separately to find out what they knew.
Q: What's the name of my blog?
7-year-old: I didn't know they could have names.
9-year-old: Ummm ...Unremarkable Files?
11-year-old: Unremarkable Files.
I thought it was interesting that both of the older kids put the emphasis on the word "Files." How do you say it, readers?
Q: Have you ever read my blog? Do you want to?
Me: Why not?
3-year-old: Because it's boring.
In retrospect, there are probably more mature ways to respond to this than "Yeah, well you're boring!"
9-year-old: If I was supposed to I wouldn't mind, but if I wasn't supposed to, I wouldn't.
Me: Did you like it?
11-year-old: Because it's funny in a realistic way. Or realistic in a funny way. Whatever.
Q: Do you know what a blog is?
7-year-old: A thing people can look at and I think you can put pictures and video on it.
9-year-old: Not really...
11-year-old: A personal website about something that interests you.
Q: Do you know what my blog is about?
3-year-old: [totally blank stare]
7-year-old: Our family, but mostly you.
9-year-old: Unremarkable stuff?
11-year-old: Being a mom and having a family and stuff?
Q: Do you think I'm funny?
3-year-old: YES!!! When you do whalefoots with me! Can you take a picture of doing a whalefoot to me?
|Not sure why we call this a 'whalefoot.' It came from some friends of ours.|
7-year-old: You? Most of the time. And you're funny-looking.
9-year-old: Sometimes, when you're being weird. [starts laughing] And when you dance. [At this point she was laughing so uncontrollably we had to stop the interview so she could get ahold of herself]
11-year-old: Including looks?
I'll have you note that these interviews were done separately and they couldn't hear each other's answers.
Q: Do you have any ideas for my blog?
3-year-old: Maybe take a picture of me with my pink baby?
|There, child. Now my blog is perfect.|
7-year-old: [giggling] You should've taken a video of the baby ripping the hairs off the toilet bowl brush! Or flushing the toilet so many times he broke it.
I assure you, if I'd been standing there with a camera in my hand I wouldn't have just pressed record and watched the baby decimate the toilet bowl brush with his bare hands or break the toilet...
9-year-old: [laughing] You could write about how when Dad reads us the bedtime story he always takes out random nouns and says "your momma's underpants" instead.
That's right, we like to keep it classy here in the Evans household.
11-year-old: Tell everyone, "All my kids are so awesome, especially my oldest."
Me: How's that?
11-year-old: Well for one it's part of my title, and two, I'm an award-winning—
Me: What awards?
11-year-old: The spelling bee, and—
Me: Wait, you won a spelling bee?
11-year-old: Yeah, in my class. For "correlation."
Me: What else?
11-year-old: Runner-up in the geography bee, and... [running out of steam] ...lots of participation awards...? [starts laughing]
|Scraping the bottom of the prize ribbon barrel.|
Lastly, I asked my 3-year-old to take pictures for this post.
I thought she'd be thrilled since she steals my camera and takes blurry upside-down selfies and pictures of the toilet "for my blog" on a regular basis, but when I asked her to do it she was bound by the Preschooler's Code to refuse on the grounds that she was too tired, too busy, and didn't want to.
But she eventually decided that she could be bothered to take at least a few. So here, my dear readers, is what my 3-year-old thought was important to show you on my blog's first birthday.
Yes, that last one is the contents of the trash can. Sorry about that.