What We Learned from Our Family Dopamine Detox Experience

I've been hearing a lot about dopamine lately. And the more I heard, the more I became convinced it was time for a family dopamine fast.

In a nutshell, dopamine is the feel-good chemical released in your brain whenever you do something enjoyable. It also plays a role in motivation, making it harder to enjoy or even start low-dopamine activities if you're indulging too much in high-dopamine ones.

While you wouldn't want to eliminate all dopamine (when scientists block the dopamine in mice's brains, the mice starve because they lack the motivation to eat), I decided it was time for a little experiment of our own: what would happen if we cut out things that added a lot of dopamine but little overall value to our lives?

Sadly, this was not a staged photo.

For one week, my family of 8 — two adults plus six kids ages 5 to 17 — were going to try doing just that. For our purposes, we identified the following high-dopamine, low-value activities:

1. Using computers or phones for any non-work or -school activities
2. Playing video games
3. Listening to music
4. Eating sugar and processed food

After the week was up, I gave separate interviews to each member of the family, including myself, to see how it went.

Q: What did you like about the dopamine fast?

Me: Everything. The kids were less crabby. I wasn't constantly policing screen time or reeling the kids back in from watching someone else play Minecraft. When I couldn't pull out my phone during moments of downtime, I was more accessible to the kids. And I loved not having the teens wearing their headphones around the house closed off to the family or scrolling on their phones when I drove them somewhere like I'm the hired help.

Phillip: I was calmer and less stressed. I had more motivation to do things so I wasn't sitting around stressed about not doing things — I just did them. I found enjoyment in activities like reading and thinking. I interacted with the kids more.

17:  I used to listen to music or watch a video when I was bored; when I was forced to do something like reading a book, it took more energy in the short term but actually gave me energy and was more satisfying in the end. It forced me to slow down and think about what would actually make me feel better, so I felt less bad about how I was spending my time. I don't want to use my brain because I'm tired, but I feel better when I use my brain more. 

15: Everything felt more grounded and physical this week.  There were less days where I felt blah. I didn't do more things, but I felt less rushed when I did do things. I knew where all my time was going so that was nice.

13: Nobody was screaming and yelling about screens. We did more stuff together like board games, instead of me being off doing my own thing. I didn't really miss screens, even though my brain was like "I want to go back to screens!"

10: I liked how everybody wasn't grouchy because of screens. When I had screens I wanted to use my time as much as I could with no one bothering me so I would get grumpy and tired and it hurt my eyes, but I still wanted to play it. I also liked the no-screens part because my friend messages me too much, and I got to do more with family.

7: I don't know.

5: I didn't really get distracted [by watching other people playing games when I'm supposed to be doing something else.]

Q: What did you dislike?

Me: Nothing, really.

Phillip: I missed access to information. Sometimes I was curious about something but decided not to look it up. Like right now, I was wondering why trees don't freeze in the winter. Last week I wouldn't have looked it up, but this week I did and it's fascinating, actually.

17: I don't like doing homework with no music. There was also no easy distraction when I wanted to distract myself from negative thoughts I was having. I don't think cutting out sugar made any difference.

15: Sometimes it was inconvenient when I wanted to text something or check the [online] calendar and couldn't. I got bored a lot, like when I finished a test early at school and then just sat there for 50 minutes doing literally nothing. 

13: There were a few times when I was at activities where they had hot chocolate and it was annoying to turn it down.

10: I still want to have some sugar! And since I couldn't message my friend, if I had something to tell her I had to try to remember it until the next day and I didn't like going home and never talking to her again.

7: I kind of didn't have anything to do except read and play outside. I just didn't know what to do, it was kinda boring.

5: I can't have all the foods.

The kids may not have liked the "no sugar" rule, but no one can say they weren't committed. In the cabinet, I found our shaker of cinnamon sugar with a new label reading "POISON."

Q: What surprised you?

Me: I read a whole book this week, which would normally take me 6 months. I used to go on YouTube when I was tired, but I think it only made me more tired. I think it stresses my brain to keep switching between the real world and the virtual world. I was also surprised that I liked not using the car radio all week. Less constant sensory input like background music in the car made me feel more relaxed and slowed down.

Phillip: Nothing. It was basically what I expected.

17: I was expecting to miss certain online activities but I found other things to do with my time. I was also expecting to feel like I did a lot, but I think I ended up just doing things slower.

15: I expected to be more tired but I was actually less tired. I could just go home from work and do stuff, I didn't really need a break [to scroll my phone]. Also, I ended up getting offered a lot of sugar that week [namely a juice/chocolate muffin/donut breakfast, cupcakes, hot chocolate and candy, and two donuts with brownie batter filling] and before I probably would've eaten it all but felt bad about it. 

13: I expected to miss screens but I didn't, really. Which is weird because we've done screen-free weeks before and it was painful. [Mom's note: maybe because we focused on why instead of just me making a rule that seemed arbitrary to the kids.]

10: I thought it wouldn't be very good but it was okay. Kind of boring, though.

7: Nothing surprised me, I didn't even think about it.

5: I thought it would be worse than this but it's not.

Q: What do you want to do differently now that this is over?

Me: I want to confine all my Internet use to daytime hours and be totally present once the kids come home from school. I also want to drastically cut back screen time for all the kids. It has no benefit to them, especially the 5- and 7-year-old who just get crabby when it's time to stop playing. 

Phillip: The main thing I don't want to do is browsing so much. I want to go on the Internet with a specific question or purpose and then get off of it. So less idle browsing and refrain from using screens late in the evening.

17: I want to be more aware of why I'm looking for dopamine. I want to slow down and actually evaluate my options to see if I want to relax with a low-value, high-dopamine activity or do something else. I didn't always make that decision before, I just did it.

15: I kind of liked not have a phone at school because if you have your phone on you, you feel pressured to respond to calls and texts right away. I might not take it with me every day.

13: I used to think 30 minutes [my usual allowed screen time] wasn't much and I thought it was stupid that you guys cared so much, but there are better ways to spend my time so I'll only play maybe only every couple of days. And not too long. After you hit like an hour, you're not really even having fun anymore anyway, you're just doing it 'cause dopamine says so.

10: I want to do less screens, and pick an amount of time I can spend on them.

7: How am I supposed to know? I kinda just do stuff and then the day's over, that's what I do.

5: Go shopping because we need more food. We can get pistachios. [These weren't forbidden, by the way.]

Final Thoughts from Mom (Because Moms Always Get the Last Word)

None of us realized it before, but I think we were all a little addicted to the Internet. This week helped us all check ourselves and set the 'reset' button in that department. 

For us, the sugar part didn't make that much of a difference because we don't normally eat many processed food or sugary treats, but if that's your family's vice it might pan out differently for you.

The older kids were more introspective about our offline week, but I think the younger kids need more help finding meaningful activities to replace screen time. The next time we try this, I'll make sure to engage them in a good project or at least set them up with more playdates.

In the meantime, I'm definitely more likely to distract the younger kids when they ask for screen time (75% it ends in a tantrum, anyway.) Sometimes I say things to the older kids like "I thought you didn't want to play on a screen every day" and they'll more willingly limit their own screen time.

Living without the Internet as much as we could for even a week was nothing but good for the whole family — especially for the kids and teens, who genuinely don't know what it's like not to grow up with a bazillion different bluetooth devices in their faces 24 hours a day. Attempting a detox like this is like swimming upstream in our dopamine-saturated world, but it sure does feel good to try sometimes.

Click to Share:

Read More »

7 Text Message Exchanges between Disney Characters

When you introduce your kids to the Disney classics you grew up with, you notice some things that weren't there before.

Here are a few of my observations, in the form of texts the characters may have sent to one another had cell phones between invented back then.

1. George and Mary Darling from Peter Pan.

At the beginning of the movie, George and Mary (the parents of Wendy, Michael, and John) were getting ready for an office party. I wonder if they ever had second thoughts?

Just saying that a bipedal nanny might have provided a teensy bit more supervision.

2. Ariel and King Triton from The Little Mermaid.

Text exchanges between parents and teenagers look the same, pretty much across species.

Even mer-parents know when their kids are going to get into trouble before it happens.

3. Merryweather, Flora, and Fauna from Sleeping Beauty.

When the three fairies are invited to the castle to bestow gifts on the newborn Princess Aurora, I had some questions.

If Merryweather hadn't had to change her plans at the last minute, maybe Aurora would've ended up with at least a few onesies or something she could actually use. At least she had great hair.

4. Aladdin and Jasmine from Aladdin.

I've seen celebrities try to pull this and you've got to do better. At least put on some sunglasses.

Luckily for her, the guards don't seem that smart so I'm sure she'll think of something.

5. Gaston and Belle from Beauty and the Best. 

The plot seems a little weirder now that I'm an adult, frankly.

And I'm still not over the fact that the beast was less attractive as a human than he was when he had a buffalo head.

6. Pocahontas and John Smith from Pocahontas.

It's just easier for some people to pick up a second language than others. No one knows why.

She's got a point.

7. The King and the Grand Duke from Cinderella.

This needle-in-a-haystack approach seems like kind of a drain on the economy.

However, seeing as the king's motivation is to get some grandchildren, I totally understand where he's coming from. If I were in his position, I'd probably do the same thing.

If the Disney characters from my childhood favorites suddenly had access to text messaging, everything would be different. At the very least, the animators would have to start giving the princesses pockets.

Click to Share:

Read More »

Getting My Daughter a Smartphone: 6 Months Later

When "everyone" else started getting a cell phone when my daughter was in 6^th grade, I didn't pay too much attention.

(If parenting for the last 11 years had taught me anything, it's that kids exaggerate and "everyone" means any number of people greater than 4 or 5.)

I don't know, maybe some of those kids genuinely did need phones. Maybe they were shuttling between divorced parents' houses every day or frequently needed to be picked up in a cornfield at an undetermined time at the spur of the moment.

Regardless of their reasons, I knew my daughter didn't need one. 

She was either at school or at home, with a regular schedule so I always knew when I needed to pick her up from after-school activities.

The odd time she had to call me was once every couple of months, and since "everyone" had a phone, she could easily borrow a friend's or (gasp!) ask to use the one in the school office.

You know, the big ones on the wall we used in the olden days.

In Which I Find Out My Daughter Isn't Lying

By 8^th grade, we were still holding out and even other parents were having conniptions about it.

I ran into another mom at the grocery store a few days after our daughters left on a weeklong class trip to Washington, D.C. who asked, "How's your daughter doing?"

You should have seen the panic on her face when I said I didn't know.

"What!? You mean you haven't heard from her?!?"

I shrugged, saying something like "I assume that means everything is fine!"

And then it dawned on me that the idea of my 8^th grader not bringing her own personal phone on the trip hadn't even occurred to this other mom.

It looked like my daughter was right and "everyone" indeed had a phone. How did she feel about that?

She acknowledged it would be a cool thing to have, but also seemed to understand it was basically an expensive extra. Really, she didn't seem too worried about the whole thing so neither were we.

We Finally Cave to Societal Expectations

Things started changing in the summer before 9^th grade.

My daughter was having trouble communicating with her friends, who all had phones but never answered them. They only texted. (I don't get it, but whatever.) We talked about it a few times, and I noticed her looking up the cost of cell phone plans.

At the same time, her cross-country team started running every day at a local park and practice usually finished early or late. On top of that, they used a text alert system (and nothing else) to advise team members of schedule changes and other notifications.

It was starting to feel like a phone was now more of a genuine need. After all, I certainly didn't want to be the one fielding all her texts about cross-country.

I still wan't jazzed about all the baggage that comes with handing a teen a smartphone (Cyberbullying! Anxiety and depression! Screen addiction!) but even I had to admit it was probably time.

What Rules are Appropriate for Teens With Cell Phones?

We found a phone at a good deal and a $30/month plan through Republic Wireless, but before we just handed it over I wanted to lay out the rules very clearly.

I read a ton of cell phone contracts on the Internet. I thought the idea of signing a contract with my 14-year-old was silly, but what I gathered from my research was that we needed to set rules in four different areas: phone ownership, charging, and inappropriate times/places/ways to use the phone.

Cell Phone Rule #1: Phone Ownership

It was important to us for our daughter to know she didn't own the phone, and therefore wasn't entitled to use it however she wanted. Phillip and I (who paid for both the phone and the monthly plan) would happily allow her to use it for as long as she followed the rules we set.

As the owners of the phone, we check it periodically and she needs our permission before she downloads or installs new apps on it.

We will not, however, replace or repair it if she loses or breaks it. She bought a case and screen protector with her own money, and it's her responsibility to fix or replace if she finds herself with a broken or vanished phone.

Cell Phone Rule #2: Charging

I know a lot of people (myself included) who use cell phones as their alarm clock, but I don't think it's a good idea for kids to have phones in their rooms overnight.

Parents should designate a place to charge the phone in either their (the parents') bedroom or in the main living area of the house, as well as a time by which it must be put away for the night. For us, it's in the kitchen by 9 PM.

Cell Phone Rule #3: Phone Use

The hours between 9 PM and 7 AM are off-limits for talking and texting on our daughter's phone, or using the Internet at all for non-schoolwork.

She can't bring the phone to the dinner table or use it during family time, church, or during class at school unless the teacher approves it.

Just as we keep the computer in a public area of the home to ensure appropriate Internet use, the smartphone (a.k.a: a tiny computer) isn't allowed in the bedroom or bathroom.

In our family it goes without saying that cyberbullying or looking at porn would automatically revoke her phone privileges, but we made sure to point that out, too.

(Click here to download the free printable version of these teen cell phone rules!)

Six Months Later

That was in late August, so it's been six months since my daughter joined "everyone" and carries around a phone in her pocket.

It's going better than I thought it would. She's not glued to the screen every waking hour (although I'm not going to lie, she does take an inordinate number of BuzzFeed quizzes.)

We've never had to suspend phone privileges, but we wouldn't hesitate to if she broke the rules. A few times she's been caught on the phone after 9 PM, the consequence for which is going to bed immediately. She normally sets her own bedtime so you can imagine she did not like that (which is probably why it's only happened twice.)

While writing this, I asked my daughter what she thought of the rules. She said she didn't think they were "too strict" and we didn't "stalk her every text" (which is true; we check it but since she's given us no reason to distrust her we're not all CSI about it.)

Not being able to take the phone in private means that if she puts on a YouTube video the other 5 kids prick up their ears and come running, which she says is annoying. But I think she understands our reasons for that particular rule and is willing to follow them because she's a good kid.

My takeaway is this: I think entering into this strange new world with crystal clear expectations for our teenager was key, as is having a good parent-child relationship so we can trust her to meet them.

At age 14, our daughter was the last of "everyone" to get a phone the summer before 9^th grade, but that turned out to be just right for us, and I don't think I'd change a thing if we went back and did it again.

Click to Share:

Read More »

10 Children's Bedtime Stories That Won't Push You Over the Edge

Some links in this post are affiliate links, so if you use them to buy anything I will receive a small portion of the purchase price for referring you.

Picture this: you're exhausted at the end of a long day, the kids are running around screaming instead of brushing their teeth, and then just when you think you can see the light at the end of the tunnel somebody hands you a bedtime story as long as the Oxford English Dictionary.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like reading with my kids and will happily do it during the day.

But by the kids' bedtime, I'm DONE. It's late and this is taking forever and I know that there are still, in the words of the poet Robert Frost, miles to go before I sleep.

For the sake of my sanity, I need a children's bedtime story that is short, funny, and every bit as enjoyable for me as it is for the kids. Here are my top 10 favorite children's books, the ones so good I don't even skip words when I think I can get away with it:

What! Cried Granny, Kate Lum

I dare say this is my favorite children's book of all-time. In a ridiculously exaggerated twist on the classic stalling-before-bed routine of all kids everywhere, Patrick's spunky granny turns out to be able to do literally anything. The kids love it when I yell "whaaaaat?!?" in a funny voice as I read granny, and the pictures are great, too. I never get tired of reading this book, and I've read this one a lot. 

Some Dogs Do, Jez Alborough

Normally, I'm not a fan of rhyming kids' books. Most of them feel too contrived to me. But I love this book. The plot is sweet, and at the end when Sid finds out the secret I genuinely feel happy almost every time. Believing in yourself is the theme of this book, and I love that Sid's family are the ones who really have his back at the end of the day.

The Monster At the End of This Book

Shout out to your childhood! This book is every bit as good as you remember it from when you were little. The idea is simple: tell the kids that whatever they do, they should not turn the next page of this book, and maniacal giggling (and page-turning) will ensue. Listening to them in hysterics is honestly my favorite part of reading this book.

The New Potty, Gina and Mercer Mayer

I will gladly read anything in the Little Critter series, but I have a particular soft spot for The New Potty. Maybe it's just because that's the Mercer Mayer book we've owned longest, but I think it's the funniest one. Or maybe I can relate to the humor after potty training so many kids. Either way, this book is great.

The Composer Is Dead, Lemony Snicket

Until I stumbled across it in the library, I had no idea Lemony Snicket also wrote picture books. They are even more hilarious than A Series of Unfortunate Events. This farcical interrogation of all the instruments in the orchestra to solve the composer's murder will have you earnestly laughing, especially if you consider yourself a music buff. Bonus: it's even funnier on CD, which comes included in the book.

The Book with No Pictures, B.J. Novak

It's hard to tell whether I get more of a kick out of: this book's text or the kids' reactions. True to its title, this book has absolutely no pictures, but my 2-year-old and 4-year-old will sit through the entire thing and ask for it again (I'll say yes if it's not at bedtime.) You might remember B.J. Novak's name because he both wrote for and starred in The Office, so he's obviously hilarious.

Dragons Love Tacos, Adam Rubin

If you're looking for a cautionary tale with a moral you should probably look elsewhere, because this book is just plain fun. There's a lot for little eyes to look at in the cartoon illustrations, and the story is serious about a very silly subject: never feed dragons spicy salsa on their tacos. The author had me at "taco party."

Good for Nothing Button, by Charise Mericle Harper and Mo Willems

Your first-grader could read this out loud to you if you wanted, but unlike most easy readers that are so repetitive they make me want to remove my eyes with a melon-baller, I truly enjoy this one. You will see every one of your small child's infuriating, illogical, and lovable behaviors in these Mo Willems characters as they all clamor to push a button that does absolutely nothing.

Dog on a Frog, Kes and Claire Gray

Okay, I know what I said about rhyming books, but here is another exception to the rule. Dog on a Frog is almost Dr. Suess-like in how it plays with language (but it isn't as long as a Dr. Seuss book, making it a perfect bedtime read.) Not only will your kids love the goofy humor about nonsensical rules that have to rhyme, but so will you.

Where the Sidewalk Ends, Shel Silverstein

Sometimes instead of a full-length bedtime story, I'll ask the kids to choose 3 poems from this collection. (Even though it's quicker to read, the kids still feel like they got away with something.) The poems are for children and about children, each one more brilliant and funny than the last. Even the younger kids who don't "get" each poem still enjoy looking at the sketches on every page. We love Where the Sidewalk Ends and also the second book of poems A Light in the Attic.

For you and me and every other parent I know, bedtime is the hardest part of the day. You can't completely eliminate all the headache-inducing things that make you want to jump out your kid's bedroom window ("Stop running around with that light saber and put your pajama pants on!") but you can at least make sure the bedtime stories you read aren't one of them.

Click to Share:

Read More »

12+ Kids' Books and Movies that Model Positive Family Dynamics

If you gave me a soapbox and told me to get on it, I'd probably start talking about the importance of good family relationships. A lot of things can help or hurt in forming these relationships, but one we don't always think about is the media's influence.

After all, kids have limited life experience — but TV and books give them access into other peoples' homes and lives! If they see the same scenario playing out over and over, then it gradually becomes what they see as "normal."

Which can be great if we're talking about getting kids comfortable with characters who have disabilities or are maybe of a different race or from a different culture than they are.

It's a big problem, though, when negative or dysfunctional family relationships are the thing getting normalized. Unfortunately, the media too often shows us that siblings don't get along and kids and parents never see eye-to-eye.

If we see that enough, we start to believe it. And so do our kids.

Questions to Ask About Family Values in Media

I screen new books before my 9-year-old reads them. Why? I'm not so much worried about sex and violence, since there's only so much of that that can make it onto a shelf in the children's room at the library.

But I am flipping through the pages and asking:

• Is there a stereotypical bratty younger sister or a mean older brother here?
• Does the main character treat his siblings badly even though he's a "good guy?"
• Is the main character rude to her parents?
• Are the parents set up as one-dimensional obstacles to what the main character wants?
• Does the main character see his parents as guides? Does he ever go to them for help when there's a problem?
• Do the siblings ever work together? Help each other? Have fun together?
• Does the main character think positively about her family? Does she love them?

Family-Friendly Media Recommendations

It's kind of depressing, but there simply aren't that many books, movies, and TV shows I've come across that show the kind of family dynamics I want my kids to think are "normal."

So my very first advice about the media would be to limit it, especially television. We don't own a TV, and the lack of positive family dynamics on the screen is one reason I'm not in a hurry to get one.

With that caveat in mind, though, I do want to make a few recommendations:

Books

Magic Tree House books by Mary Pope Osborne follow a brother and sister who have adventures together time traveling in their magic tree house. Educational and good for grades 2-3.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis is a fantastic story with four siblings who love and look out for each other, even when one of the siblings doesn't do the right thing all the time. I'd recommend the Narnia books for about 5th grade and the movies for age 8 and up.

A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket is a little dark, but the sibling dynamics can't be beat. The kids rely on each other and work together (even the baby) to unravel the mystery of their missing parents. Good for grades 6-8. I highly recommend both the movie adaptation and the Netflix miniseries, too.

Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling. Of course Harry's home situation is comically bad, but since he's virtually adopted into the cozy and close-knit Weasley family I included this one. The siblings are friends and nobody can love them all like Mama Weasley (although I think the books show this dynamic better than the film.) The series is good to start reading in about 4th grade.

The Boxcar Children books by Gertrude Chandler Warner are about four orphans who look out for each other and solve mysteries together. Good for grades 2-5.

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. There is a deep and special bond between this brother-sister pair who travel through time and space to save their father and bring him back home. Good for grades 5-8.

Land of Stories by Chris Colfer. This four-book series begins with a pair of 12-year-old twins who discover a book that transports them to the world of fairy tales. Ideal for grades 3-5.

Movies and TV

The Incredibles (PG, 2004.) A family of superheroes have to use their powers to work together and save each other. Mom loves dad, dad loves mom, kids love each other and everybody loves the kids.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (G, 1971.) I haven't seen the newer remake, but I don't know that it could hold a candle to the sweet relationship between the main character and his Grandpa Joe in this classic story. (Plus, the kids who boss around their parents are clearly "the bad guys" and get their comeuppance at the end.)

The Sound of Music (G, 1965.) I don't think you can get much closer than a group of 7 siblings who go around singing together. I love how the siblings in this movie spend a lot of time together and always look like they're having fun doing it.

The Princess Diaries (G, 2001.) Throughout the movie, the teenage main character goes rock climbing with her mom, shares her feelings, gives her hugs, and goes to her for advice when she's got decisions to make. When Grandma enters the picture, the teenager takes her out on a day trip for fun.

Coco (PG, 2017.) There's some heavy family tension at the beginning, but in the end the family comes together. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great-grandparents work together with the main character. The overarching theme of the movie is that family is the most important thing and we never leave each other.

Older TV shows like 7th Heaven and Full House. In the 1990s, several popular sitcoms were based on functional, loving families. If you can get past the synthesized theme song, every episode shows that the best way to solve your problems is to look for guidance and help from your siblings, parents (and in Full House's case, aunts and uncles, too.)

I'm not including a list of books or movies to avoid, because even media with less-than-stellar family dynamics might have other merits. Maybe they're funny or educational or teach about other values.

And ultimately, they're just a drop in the bucket. Your kids will survive just fine as long as (1) their exposure to unhealthy family dynamics in the media is limited and (2) they have a lot of positive experiences with their own families.

My kids tell me that siblings in books "always" fight, but they also know it's just fiction because in real life their own brothers and sisters are their best friends.

A Word of Caution about Books/Movies About Families

There are two types of "family values" type books that in general, I do NOT like, and that's worth mentioning here.

The first is anything with the theme of squabbling siblings who go through something and learn to like each other at the end. It's supposedly heartwarming, but the problem is that 95% of the book is them fighting. Just when they learn to be a happy family, it's over. I much prefer media where the siblings are already friends, or there is already a strong parent-child relationship, and that is the backdrop for the story.

On the same note, I'm also not a fan of most "I'm Going to Be a Big Brother/Sister" books. The token scene about being jealous of the new baby plants the idea in a child's head that having a sibling will not be a positive experience. (Sort of like how my kids would never have thought to be scared of monsters under the bed if they hadn't read a hundred books about it first!)

By paying attention to the media that goes into our kids' ears and eyes, I think my husband and I are helping the kids develop healthy relationships with us and with each other.

Rest assured, they still argue, have bad days, or are just plain grouchy sometimes. But they play much more than they fight, and this note my 6-year-old secretly left on her 11-year-old sister's bed suggests that we must be doing all right:

Message on the pillow says "I LOVE YOU" and in Post-It notes it adds "WITH ALL MY HART."

If that doesn't warm my "hart," I don't know what does.

Click to Share:

Read More »

An Open Letter to the Mom in Love You Forever

Dear Mom in Love You Forever,

Recently I picked up a copy of your story at the library, feeling like I should introduce my 1-year-old to the classics. I keep hearing the name of your book and I think it even won some awards, and I generally respect decisions by the people who give out those sorts of things.

Obviously, you're a devoted and loving mother. I can see that right off the bat. There you are, rocking your newborn baby and singing:

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always, 

As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be.

Here's how it all began.

Girl, you are preaching to the choir. That so-soft-you-can-barely-feel-it newborn skin is worth peeing a little when you sneeze for the rest of your life.

I turn the page, and he's a toddler already (and in retrospect it does seem like it happens that fast.) And of course, you're there, too, sneaking up to his bed to cradle him and sing "I'll love you forever."

I can't blame you for crouching at his bedside, eyes glinting like a starving lioness about to pounce on a wildebeest. I want to gobble up those flushed little cherub cheeks myself. And he's not even mine — you must have the willpower of a Buddhist monk to refrain from eating him whole.

Note: you can also walk into children's rooms.

Then your little boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. I gave you the benefit of the doubt for as long as I could, but when he went through puberty and you were still rocking him secretly in his sleep, I knew I was looking at a mother in pain.

Take it from me: I know how your heart aches when you catch a glimpse of your gigantic, hygiene-challenged teenager and realize the little boy waddling around in footie pajamas offering you bites of soggy graham cracker is gone.

Part of you is proud, but the other part wants to lock your arms around his knees and wail "DON'T LEAVE ME!" Motherhood is hard like that.

Sometimes, you're gonna need to pound down a pint of Cherry Garcia ice cream and cry over his kindergarten artwork for a while before you realize it's pretty great after all watching your tiny people become big people who do amazing things.

Plus, no more diapers.

I really wanted to see you have your Cherry Garcia moment, but page after page, you wrap yourself in denial and continue rocking your increasingly enormous son back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

I sense disaster, and I also suspect this is a getting a little too dysfunctional for a children's book.

Your son, getting the heck outta Dodge.

Once he reached adulthood and bought a house across town, I was hopeful.

Maybe he'd let out the slack on that umbilical cord and set some boundaries, or at least start taking a few days to return your texts.

Maybe if you saw that he's grown man who can vote for president and sign his own legal documents without you, and then you could begin confronting your own feelings. Possibly with the help of a trained psychotherapist.

But then you drive over there in the middle of the night WITH A LADDER ON TOP OF YOUR CAR and I don't even know what to believe anymore.

Take a good, hard look at yourself in the rearview mirror right now. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

I have so many questions, including how you got that ladder up there in the first place.

You are a senior citizen. Most of your peers don't have the mobility to put on their own cardigans without help, and yet you can toss a full-size ladder up over your head and tie it to the roof of your Honda?

No. I cannot suspend my disbelief that much. Who is helping you do this? And WHY?? You have a problem and your enablers are doing you no favors. You all need professional help.

More importantly, if you're lonely, why can't you just invite your son over for Sunday brunch and make passive-aggressive comments about how he never calls like a normal mom?

Do your visits have to be a midnight operation? It says right there on the page that you specifically drive over there "on dark nights." Why do you need the cover of darkness? What is even going on here?!?

It's hard to let go, but you've got to let your son live his life. He will never find a significant other who is cool with this arrangement.

Never.

Me? I've just been crawling in my adult child's window for the occasional snuggle. What's new with you?

The next time you find yourself singing yet another verse of "I love you forever" to your comatose 34-year-old, I want you to remember a few things.

First of all, this co-dependent relationship can only end in one way: with a hernia. Your son appears to weigh 200 pounds and there's no way you can continue to dead-lift him into your lap indefinitely.

(Although you did manage with the ladder, so I can only assume your ankle-length frock is hiding the physique of Arnold Schwarzenegger.)

Second, lasting fulfillment has to come from within. Sure, breaking and entering might make you feel better tonight, but what about tomorrow and all the days after that?

You see, when it comes down to it I'm not so worried about your flagrant disregard for your son's doorbell or his personal life as I am about your flagrant disregard for yourself. He can always get a restraining order, but you'll eventually have to figure out how to live with and love YOU.

Give yourself permission to explore your own interests.

Ones that don't include creeping around your son's bedroom floor in the dead of night. You could write a novel. You could take a pottery class. You could start making modern art out of your own belly button fuzz if that's what you want to do.

The point is, it's never too late to rediscover your own dreams, mom. You can still visit your son, give him an appropriately affectionate hug, and tell him you love him.

During the daytime.

While he's conscious.

With Concern,
Jenny from Unremarkable Files

P.S: Your son clearly suffers from a severe sleep disorder and needs to be evaluated by his doctor. What if the house caught fire? What if he rolled over onto his creepily tiny cat?

Click to Share:

Read More »