If Adults Acted Like Babies, People Would Think We Were Insane

How am I supposed to see
what's in this bucket when it's so dark?!

Everyone thinks their baby is the smartest little genius (of course you're wrong, mine is) but a few days ago, a new thought occurred to me.

As I watched him press the on/off button on the printer and cackle maniacally every time for several minutes, I realized that really, if adults acted like babies, we'd be committed to a mental institution in less than a week.

If you don't believe me, try the following and see what happens:

1. Stare mesmerized at a ceiling fan for 10 minutes.
2. Pull out a novel while waiting at the dentist's office and gnaw on the corner.
3. Hug inanimate objects.
4. If you see anyone around you wearing glasses, yank them off immediately.
5. Let the waiter know you're ready for the check by smearing the rest of your food in your hair.
6. Stick your fingers in people's eyes and nostrils when you talk to them.
7. Make the same one-syllable noise 20 times in a row for no discernible reason. 
8. Scream for fun.
9. Lower yourself into a relaxing bath and splash until the entire bathroom is dripping.
10. At the dinner table, suddenly start headbanging like you're at a Pearl Jam concert — when there's no music playing.
11. Suck on your own toes in public.
12. Don't spit out food you don't like, just push it out with your tongue and let it roll down the front of your shirt onto the floor.
13. Lie on your back and contemplate the mysteries of your outstretched hands for a really, really long time.
14. Pick up random inedible objects you see on the sidewalk and pop them in your mouth.
15. Drool a lot.
16. If you accidentally spill your drink, start slapping the puddle with your palm.
17. When you look into the bathroom mirror, laugh at your reflection and try to kiss it.
18. Unravel a whole roll of toilet paper for no particular reason.
19. Bang on pots and pans with a wooden spoon while cooking dinner; laugh if anyone asks you to stop.
20. Climb into the cabinet under the sink and cry because you're stuck there.
21. If you're standing really close to someone wearing dangly earrings in the elevator, lean over and chew on them.
22. When your mother calls, push the phone away from your ear so you can look at it. Remain totally silent.
23. Shake your head furiously back and forth, even if no one has asked you a question.
24. When you notice your co-worker on her computer, enter her cubicle and smash your fists on the keyboard.
25. If you drop an object, pointedly say "uh oh" to the person beside you. When they pick it up and hand it to you, giggle and throw it down again.
26. Eat paper.
27. When your spouse asks you a question, respond with a nonsensical outburst and bounce up and down — or completely ignore them. 
28. Wave hello and goodbye to everyone, all the time, even when no one is coming or going.
29. When UPS delivers a package to your house, toss aside the objects in the box so you can sit in it.
30. If something doesn't appear to be working correctly, freak out and throw yourself screaming to the floor.

After this little experiment, leave me a note in the comments and let me know where you've been committed. I'll write to you, although you'll probably just eat my letters.

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