tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post7899479307396577441..comments2024-03-17T00:31:57.558-04:00Comments on Unremarkable Files: What to Say (and What Not to) When Someone Has a MiscarriageJenny Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-54994361121397466352019-02-03T21:20:19.107-05:002019-02-03T21:20:19.107-05:00I absolutely agree. Ive hated that term since i f...I absolutely agree. Ive hated that term since i first heard it. I would never refer to my daughter that way. talkinturtleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16092300810694675231noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-47652055936117120852016-09-22T16:45:03.321-04:002016-09-22T16:45:03.321-04:00About the "enjoying him" comment: That i...About the "enjoying him" comment: That is exactly why I never liked the term "rainbow baby." Some people find the term useful but I always felt like it devalued both babies: the one who you lost becomes just the storm before the 'real' baby, and the baby who lived is defined by a sibling. You would never call a woman's second spouse after being widowed a "Jenny Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-40869583487883989832016-09-22T16:19:42.244-04:002016-09-22T16:19:42.244-04:00I had to keep reminding myself that people meant w...I had to keep reminding myself that people meant well when they said things like, "at least you have Emerson, you can enjoy him..." as if to say I wouldn't enjoy him if those pregnancies had not resulted in a miscarriage.<br />When meeting with a new GP shortly after my second miscarriage (over the course of 3 months), I told her the details of what happened and she said, " huhMeghanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05605917818681309911noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-76792560083299139132015-10-15T22:25:31.520-04:002015-10-15T22:25:31.520-04:00After my second miscarriage, a friend in my neighb...After my second miscarriage, a friend in my neighborhood brought me 1/2 gallon of ice cream, she didn't say anything just dropped off to me. It was one of the nicest gestures because she knew what it was like and she knew no words could make it better. Just eat ice cream and feel sad for a while and that is okay too. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-44084446598554313482015-07-16T15:28:37.275-04:002015-07-16T15:28:37.275-04:00I think the biggest thing for me was that I don...I think the biggest thing for me was that I don't believe in original sin, so I never had a moment's doubt that those perfect souls are waiting for us in heaven and we'll see them again. I still had to deal with the trauma and the grief of miscarriage, but never had to worry about the eternal well-being of the baby. I think that was the biggest comfort to me.Jenny Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-86378922417290096772015-07-13T20:55:03.462-04:002015-07-13T20:55:03.462-04:00Has your religion helped you cope/come to terms wi...Has your religion helped you cope/come to terms with your miscarriages? If so, how?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-25735492194087625552015-06-25T22:11:25.432-04:002015-06-25T22:11:25.432-04:00Good additions. I didn't know that you'd h...Good additions. I didn't know that you'd had a miscarriage before; I'm sorry to hear it.Jenny Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-34185882770526187692015-06-25T19:00:58.383-04:002015-06-25T19:00:58.383-04:00Great post. I would add avoiding questions like, &...Great post. I would add avoiding questions like, "Did you lift too much?" or "Were you overstressed?" AND also avoid spouting back the medical facts about miscarriages being "nobody's fault." Both the blame game and the dispelling of myths isn't helpful. It certainly didn't help me. It is a loss that stays with the mother, no matter the age of the baby Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05874477012384354946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-20666748369145820612015-05-13T01:14:40.440-04:002015-05-13T01:14:40.440-04:00Sounds about normal for 3 months later... she migh...Sounds about normal for 3 months later... she might find it helpful to talk with other people who've gone through the same thing. Some hospitals have pregnancy loss support groups, or there are always ones online if she doesn't know anyone in person.<br /><br />After my miscarriages, I felt like I was "supposed to" just get over it already, which honestly made me feel worse. I Jenny Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-75309524988855547182015-05-12T17:46:48.921-04:002015-05-12T17:46:48.921-04:00my daughter had a miscarriage about three months a...my daughter had a miscarriage about three months ago and she is still having "break down" moments, her husband tells me. Since I myself have never had one I cant seem to find the right words to help her.<br />Any advice on how to help her?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-55398548185169478312015-04-27T21:58:08.807-04:002015-04-27T21:58:08.807-04:00I really don't believe people mean to be insen...I really don't believe people mean to be insensitive at all, they're just surprised or feeling awkward (like you say) and something just flies out of their mouth. <br /><br />I really love the necklace as you've described it. I read a book that suggested having some type of memorial, like planting a tree or shrub or something, and I thought that was a nice idea.Jenny Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-62616831825969097182015-04-27T13:20:49.256-04:002015-04-27T13:20:49.256-04:00This was a great post. I have had 8 miscarriages ...This was a great post. I have had 8 miscarriages and a stillbirth of twins. In between all this, I had my amazing daughter. It is so hurtful when people say ,"well you have your daughter, be happy with that." I had a friend tell me that I didn't know what it meant to lose a child until I held my deceased child. She lost 2 kids at 15 weeks. It's the same loss whether or Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-31177716125489413602015-04-25T18:18:04.855-04:002015-04-25T18:18:04.855-04:00Great post and really good advice. Miscarriage is ...Great post and really good advice. Miscarriage is completely devastating - something I recently experienced. But until you are in that situation you just don't know how that person is feeling. These points are exactly what to do/say and not say. Spot on x #sharewithmeWander Mumhttp://www.wandermum.co.uknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-65717752120626917812015-04-23T18:34:05.259-04:002015-04-23T18:34:05.259-04:00Great advice. Although I have never gone through t...Great advice. Although I have never gone through this myself, I have close friends who have, and saying the right this are so important. <br /><br />Thanks for linking up with the Saturday Spotlight!Alyciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13925009412306382490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-84958984040224541822015-04-20T06:01:06.519-04:002015-04-20T06:01:06.519-04:00Great advice it is not easy to know what to say! T...Great advice it is not easy to know what to say! Thanks for sharing on Monday Madness link party :)sharon rowehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00210005363434013342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-51107186802504196042015-04-17T05:55:44.944-04:002015-04-17T05:55:44.944-04:00Great advice it's so hard to know what to say ...Great advice it's so hard to know what to say and if you are supporting or making it worse. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithmeLet's Talk Mommyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07730374182778773358noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-77376538428658008042015-04-17T00:15:46.111-04:002015-04-17T00:15:46.111-04:00Yes! People can be so insensitive sometimes! The...Yes! People can be so insensitive sometimes! These are great prompts!<br />Thanks for sharing on the Shine Blog Hop!Tiffany {A Touch of Grace}https://www.blogger.com/profile/01546013849310750118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-19478261402957195562015-04-16T23:33:52.611-04:002015-04-16T23:33:52.611-04:00Thank you so much for posting this. It helps to he...Thank you so much for posting this. It helps to hear these things from someone who has experienced it so we know just what to say. Thanks for sharing the tips and your heart.Home on the Cornerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05079737086466443650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-65782864813653678662015-04-16T13:20:28.603-04:002015-04-16T13:20:28.603-04:00Such a helpful post and I think the words "at...Such a helpful post and I think the words "at least" are generally best avoided when speaking to anyone who has had any kind of loss. I agree that a hug and a genuine "I'm so sorry" are generally a good start and thinking about how you would feel if people said things like that if you were in that situation is helpful. Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your Louisehttp://littleheartsbiglove.co.uknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-76949806647583678602015-04-15T21:24:30.585-04:002015-04-15T21:24:30.585-04:00It has been a number of years since my miscarriage...It has been a number of years since my miscarriage. I remember many people telling me it was not meant to be, It was not a big deal...the baby was only 10 weeks. I acted like it was not a big deal. That worked for about two hours when broke down crying in the middle of a staff meeting. Your hormones are all out of whack as well. Your body has been preparing for a pregnancy and baby that The Resourceful Mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12734988756777411968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-81984718494920504552015-04-15T11:55:16.401-04:002015-04-15T11:55:16.401-04:00We would all have a lot less feet in our mouths if...We would all have a lot less feet in our mouths if we remembered to do that regularly!Jenny Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-27895188869256129642015-04-15T11:54:48.141-04:002015-04-15T11:54:48.141-04:00It probably meant a lot to your aunt that your sis...It probably meant a lot to your aunt that your sister remembered after the fact, too. A lot of the time we don't bring up a loss after it's already happened because we don't want to remind the person and make them sad. Which is silly, because it's not like they could ever forget. I can't speak for everyone, but I find it cathartic to know that others haven't forgotten. Jenny Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-44971957262901872102015-04-15T11:52:01.604-04:002015-04-15T11:52:01.604-04:00So true, and not just with miscarriage. We mean we...So true, and not just with miscarriage. We mean well by trying to fix it immediately, but usually that's not what's needed.Jenny Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-48176878186756504872015-04-15T11:51:06.029-04:002015-04-15T11:51:06.029-04:00Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Our three al...Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Our three also happened before we'd announced the pregnancy, so to this day very few people know about my miscarriages (unless they read my blog.) We didn't even tell our children until years later. Just one of the many things that makes processing your miscarriage so awkward and difficult.Jenny Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06320766378823015885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4094700953309998492.post-1692629748171922982015-04-15T08:33:30.695-04:002015-04-15T08:33:30.695-04:00Really great post - I always think to say nothing ...Really great post - I always think to say nothing is awful and then beyond that you should always ask how you would feel if someone said that to you. #sharewithmeMummy Feverhttp://mummyfever.co.uk/noreply@blogger.com