Wednesday, October 31, 2018

9 Jobs Newborn Babies Would Be Excellent At

Some people say newborns are just squishy blobs that don't do much besides eat, sleep, and poop, but I don't know about that.

It seems to me like newborn babies just have a really unique skill set that lends itself perfectly to a lot of careers out there. You just have to find the right ones.

A newborn baby in a diaper sleeping - 9 Jobs Newborn Babies Would Be Excellent At

For example, a newborn baby would make a really great:

Demolitions expert. Ever seen the house of a family with a newborn? It's completely trashed: dishes stacked to the ceiling, laundry everywhere, and a gallon of milk going bad under a stack of mail on what used to be the kitchen table. It's an impressive level of destruction, especially when you consider newborns aren't even mobile.

Runway model. Extended relatives will be sending your little fashion icon one haute couture label after another: Carter's, Gymboree, Baby Gap... You might not leave the house for the months at a time due to how busy you are dressing your baby up in cute outfits and taking pictures.

Celebrity. Speaking of pictures, as a new member of the parent paparazzi you will stalk your newborn and photograph him from every conceivable angle in every conceivable location. Not because he's doing anything interesting, either. Just because you're obsessed with him.

Explosives technician. Two words: diaper blowout. Nobody knows more about detonating volatile substances than a newborn.

Political dictator. These tyrants rule with a tiny iron fist to get whatever they want, whenever they want it, and if that means you lose basic rights like hot meals and showers? Then so be it. Talk about absolute power.

Contortionist. Ever look up from changing a diaper and realize your baby's heels are quite literally touching her forehead? There are flexible people, then there are circus performers, and then there are newborns.

Ta-da!

Eating contest entrant. Cluster feeding makes you want to scream, but try to think of it as a training opportunity for your newborn. He can make a lot of money touring the competitive eating circuit and winning contests for that.

Quality control specialist. I have never in my life met anyone as picky as a newborn. It's always too hot, too cold, too loud, too quiet, too still, or too bouncy. If there's even the slightest thing wrong, trust me, a newborn will let you know.

High school dance chaperone. If you need to keep couples from getting too close or sneaking off to be alone, a newborn is definitely the right person for the job. As any new parent will tell you, babies are naturals at shutting down romantic moments practically before they even get started.

You see? All sorts of careers are perfectly suited to newborns and their innate skills. If you're a new or expecting parent, keep this list handy. After all, it's never too early for your baby to seek gainful employment and start saving for college.

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3 comments:

  1. AuntSue So very true. Babies are engineered to survive, and they do that with their voice when conditions are not optimal. Wear that baby on your body, everyone will be happier.

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    1. I never could get into baby wearing. I think I waited too long instead of doing it from Day 1, and then they didn't like it. I always thought it would be such a way to keep my hands free, but turns out that you can't really do much with a baby on your chest anyway (cooking? no. Dishes? also no) so I might as well hold them in my arms.

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  2. I love this! I am currently living through each of these with my 9 week old. 😁

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