Wednesday, March 15, 2017

11 Inanimate Objects You Come to Hate as a Parent

Normal, rational people don't hate inanimate objects, but you're not a normal, rational person  you're a parent. And years of sleep-deprivation will do that to you.

Rational people don't hate inanimate objects, but you're not a rational person — you're a parent, and these 11 things are the absolute worst.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Though they seem innocent, certain objects are universally loathed by moms and dads everywhere, like:

1. Styrofoam packing peanuts. 


There's nothing I love more than opening a package and having 3,000 statically-charged pieces of foam bits fly out and instantly cement themselves to the walls, ceilings, furniture, and any children in the room for the rest of eternity. And if a kid gets their hands on a box of packing peanuts while you're in the shower... you should probably just move.

2. Easter grass. 


Those bags of shredded shiny plastic to line our kids' Easter baskets are obviously the evil pastel version of the packing peanut. Why would we do this to ourselves? It takes .3 seconds for Easter grass shrapnel to explode all over the entire room, and we spend the next 6 months vacuuming it up from every conceivable location in the house.

3. Toys that play ridiculously long and annoying songs.


An electronic synthesized rendition of "Pop Goes the Weasel" is barely tolerable when my toddler is clapping along and obviously enjoying every second of it, so I certainly don't want to keep listening to it 5 minutes after he's lost interest and walked away. One short song per button push, or you're out of here.

4. Door bells.


Why is it that as soon as your baby goes down for a nap, your next-door neighbor, the FedEx delivery man, the Girl Scouts, and some guy selling pest control are all ringing your doorbell? Don't worry, no court would hold a sleep-deprived parent responsible for their actions when someone waltzes over unannounced and wakes up the baby.

5. The iPad.


When you need 30 uninterrupted minutes to make a phone call, finish your grocery shopping, or take a shower without worrying that your daredevil will give himself a concussion, the tablet is a lifesaver. But make no mistake, you'll pay dearly for that half-hour. The next 23.5 hours will be mostly answering the question, "Can I play on the iPad?" 2,147 times.

6. The gap under the living room sofa.


It's a scientific fact that your sofa has its own gravitational pull. It especially attracts runaway balls, lost library books (which you've had to pay for,) and other tiny objects you'll be expected to retrieve. Seriously, do yourself a favor and remove the legs. A sawed-off midget couch is worth it means you never have to look for a bouncy ball on your hands and knees holding a flashlight in your teeth again.

7. Shoes.


Even though you trip over a mountain of shoes every time you enter the house, paradoxically you'll never be able to find a matching pair when you need to get the kids out the door. Don't try to contemplate this mystery too hard: your head will explode.

8. The sun.


Kids got to bed late last night? It's Saturday morning and you want them to sleep in? Too bad, they're up whenever it gets light out. The sun is a natural enemy to sleep and therefore, a natural enemy to parenting. That goes double for Daylight Savings Time, when the kids are jumping on their beds at 8:30 PM yelling "We can't go to sleep! It's not daaaaaaark!"

9. The cereal aisle.


When confronted with an entire aisle full of colorful, character-laden sugar cereal boxes, even the most well-behaved child turns into a cross between Cookie Monster and a meth addict. You come for Quaker oats and end up with a kid howling on the floor in front of the wildberry frosted Pop-Tarts. Well-played, grocery store. Well-played.

10. Five-point harnesses.


Nothing makes you long for the bygone parenting era where kids roamed free in the car (even if you weren't technically alive in that era) like sweating over installing a 5-point harness in your own vehicle. If you've ever got plans that involve moving it to a different car, cancel them. You'll be glad you did.

11. Toy packaging.


Most children's toys are packaged to withstand being catapulted into a category three hurricane. Every part and accessory is quite literally wired into the box, which you might have to remove with a pair of scissors, a Phillips head screwdriver, a crowbar, pruning shears, a belt sander, a jackhammer, and a chainsaw. By the time you successfully freed your kid's color-changing mermaid Barbie from the package, she's usually forgotten all about it, grown up, and moved to college.

Parenting is hard, so please cut us some slack if you catch us yelling, complaining, or crying about it occasionally. We really do like our jobs. We're probably just mad at the dishwasher.

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7 comments:

  1. Yes, every one of these things I avoid like the plague if I can. The packing peanuts is the worst in my book. It is almost as bad as glitter. My husband has literally forbidden us to have glitter in our house.

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    1. Oh my goodness, how could I have forgotten glitter? It's probably because I banned it from the house years ago and forgot it existed. On purpose. I blocked it out.

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  2. Yes to all of these! When I packed away our nativity set after Christmas this year, I actually threw out all the original packaging because I couldn't stand the thought of any more years of needing to vacuum up all the tiny pieces of styrofoam that inevitably get all over the floor anytime we pull the nativity box out. I'm quite excited that next year, I won't have to go through that again!

    And seriously, what is it with packaging in general? The other day, my little guy had a huge poop explosion when I changed his diaper, so I stuck him in the sink and grabbed a pack of wash cloths that someone had given us which were nearby-and then spent about 5 minutes removing them from the packaging, because they had little pieces of foam and double-sided tape intricately arranged to hold them perfectly secure and in a lovely arrangement in the packaging. Seriously?

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    1. It really is ridiculous. When I buy underwear for my kids I always laugh at how each one is rolled up so it can display nicely at the store. Really? It's underwear.

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  3. Oh yeah, the glitter! My daughter just banned me from letting PP play with glitter. at my house!
    And the packing peanuts. You racked them appropriately!! #1 evil object(s)!!!

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  4. haha! I am experiencing issues with The Gap Under the Sofa. It's crazy how much gets under there!

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    1. Every now and then I will lift up the couch and instruct a kid to run underneath and sweep it all out. I'm always sorry afterward that I did that.

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